New Years, New Beginnings....

So last year 2012 meant Kris was in jail, and we planned on using once when he got out, then getting clean.  Now, it's coming up on the New Year, and he is not in jail, and we are clean.  I had really basic goals....and I reached them.  Get clean and figure out what I wanted to do with my life....

After a lot of thinking, I decided that I wanted to write about my story and become a motivational speaker.  I figured if I got myself together, Id be a better mother.  Well I became a better person all-round, and I am a decent mother now...

This year, I will get published, even if it is through Kindle, and I will work to be a motivational speaker...I will continue to be a better mom... Now I know what I want in life...

I don't know what to do.......

I admit that I was a piece of shit mother when I wrapped up in my heroin addiction.  I pretty much checked out of all my responsibilities...I started using regularly when life became two much.  My marriage was ending, my twins were recently diagnosed with autism, and on  top of that, my parents had several years of failing health and my mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer....I quit, I just wanted an escape so I could make it to tomorrow.  Tomorrow had to be better. 

Man, I was so wrong.  Heroin was a temporary relief....little did I realize I opened another can of worms, infested a new set of problems.....

I learned from my mistake, and as shitty my consequences were, or are, I was lucky.  I didn't die, and I am not in legal trouble, or any time in correctional institutions.  I don't regret my mistakes....somehow in my head, my heroin addiction was the best mistake I ever made....It woke me the hell up and taught to appreciate the little things....

Now here is where I am struggling....now I am the active parent I should have been years ago....and as of recently my eldest twin, Shannon, is getting into A LOT of trouble. Punching a kid at lunch, screaming at the teacher and aide, not to mention throwing things at them.  He also injures himself.  He has already been suspended.....

HE IS 7 YEARS OLD!!!

I have been trying to talk to him about his problems, but he's not retaining anything and is acting unbearable more often than not.  When I was a child, I didn't do anything nearly as bad, at least that young...I got my ass beat.  Hairbrushes and belts....I don't blame my parents for their so-called abuse...If talking wasn't an option or I mouthed off, My ass felt it....Made me think....

Talking isn't working, but I can't smack him like I was raised.....What the fuck am I supposed to do????

Tis the season!

Over the past few years, I hated the holidays.  I am a parent, I shouldn't dread them like I did.  Every addict knows ANY money goes to their addiction....I felt guilty. I felt like a huge piece of shit.  I knew better, but no matter what I couldn't stop. 

This years, even though I am on disability, I managed to afford bunk beds for them.  I know it's not toys like they want, but it is something they needed.  I didn't have to ask my ex (their father) to help pay for it...I DID IT!  Right now Kris is setting it up and I am giving it to them early. 

I am excited!

What if?

When something bad happens to me, I accept it for what it is.  Life goes on...you know all those cliche sayings that all seem to have an ounce of truth in them.  As shitty as things get, I always say, "Well tomorrow will be better."

Kris and I were having a discussion, and he said the night that I almost died, it was going to be one of us.  He said he thinks it was me because I could handle it.  He said if it was him, he'd be a mess.  Out of the two of us, he thinks I am the stronger one out us.

Everyone always says about how strong I am.  I don't consider myself strong.  Yes I am a survivor, but I don't think that takes strength.  I am just too stubborn to give up on myself.  I keep trucking....how can I not?  What good does sitting feeling sorry for yourself? Yes, the first year, when I was still using, I felt sorry for myself...and that bullshit year was the worst year of my life.

What if I handle things differently?  Would I still be here, using?

The saying is: Things happen for a reason. 

I can't take life for granted anymore, and I have to make my negative experiences, and make them positive ones....hell, if everyone would do that, or even just attempt to, the world would be a better place.

Why can't things be cut and dry?

I have worked hard to be a better person.  When I came home from the hospital, I was in a dark place.  My other dealt with me.  It wasn't easy for either of us, but sometimes I feel like he preferred me being miserable.  We are broken up and we have been for a few months, and since he ended it, I have dedicated myself on being a better person. 

Don't get me wrong, he is the love of my life.  Things have turned wrong and I honestly don't think it is me....I am not taking the victim role this time.  I hope he realizes what he is losing, by the way he keeps pushing me away.

I will be okay with or without him. I just need to remember in the end, MY LIFE and MY MONSTERS are the driving force in my recovery.  His bullshit won't compromise my sobriety...I just wish he could figure out what he wants to do and stop trying to drag me down to being miserable.

Six Degrees Away From Death

http://www.facebook.com/SixDegreesAwayFromDeath


That is my fan page for my debut book, Six Degrees Away from Death.

Six Degrees Away From Death is a fictional story based on real events. Mostly name changes and things like that were changed, but the story is based on my life, and not just after getting fucked up.

The main character's name is Kiko.  The story follows her through her addiction, but the question remains: Will she get clean from heroin? 

Like my page...For more updates, and the lessons I have learned in this recovery process.

I made it to 30!

Such a crazy week.   The weekend before my actual birthday, Kris and Darryl threw me/a surprise party. Then we had parent teacher conferences. Wednesday i started Thanksgiving inner and Darryl came over to spend the night, which is always an amazing time.

Darryl is this tiny high-energy ginger, always making everything fun.

At midnight, I watched the clock change, then before I went for a shower Kris gave me my birthday present.  Jack Skelington one-piece hoody/footie jammies. I  loved them!!!

After my shower we told Darryl he could sleep with us in bed.  We were giggling like 12 year old school girls.  My niece came home drunk and we invited her to our sleepover. Four adults in a queen sized canopy bed.  Kris woke up and Wimbledon, our pitbull, made it into the bed with the four of us.

Thanksgiving I made a feast, and celebrated my birthday. That evening Chey and I waited in line at HH Gregg.  I wanted the 7" Android they had on sell...and after an incredibly long wait, at the register I found out they handed me 2 8" tablets.  The manager gave them to me at the 7" price.  It was awesome!

Best birthday ever!

It's all about the little things...

It's not a secret that I took a lot in life for granted.  I didn't appreciate watching my monsters grow up. I didn't appreciate fresh air.  I didn't appreciate walking.

I did appreciate the rush from a wonderful two bag shot.  I even appreciated the two bag shot that I fell out on.  Sick isn't it? I overdosed, and Kris and our ride brought me back from not breathing and turning blue....I was fucked up like I never was before....and at the time I remember thinking, "That was awesome!"  What was I thinking?

January 21, 2012 is my clean date.  In a little over 9 months, I have had to learn to live again.  I am still learning.  I have left the victim thinking behind to hang out with Ms. Heroin.  I don't need that shit anymore.  MY actions caused ME to be in the place that I am.  Now that's not saying that I am saying that my bad behavior or actions were by any means alright. 

I feel like a grounded teenager again, but much wiser.  I have definitely a new appreciation for staying at home.  I don't even have a desire to go to the crack houses to see how my "friends" are.  I hate not having a car, but I like being home with the kids.

I am  learning to live again and the little things, like being outside while Wimbledon has a play date, hugs and kisses from the monsters, and even relaxing and playing video games make life worth it....It's all about the little things.

My birthday is coming....in 8 days.

I will turn 30 on Nov. 22.  I am not too sure if I am ready for this.  I remember being a kid thinking 30 was OLD...like kicking at a grave old.  I never thought I would make it to 30...hell I almost didn't.  My biological father died at 24.  I remember secretly fearing that age.  I almost died at 28, and I was amazed to reach 29. 

I never had real birthday parties growing up.  SO as an adult, birthdays were never a big deal. I know people that celebrate all week long, and I don't get it.  I am happy I will make it to 30, but not enough to party all week.

This will be the first year Kris is in my life that I am not worried about dope.  Now that I am excited about. 

Keeping a clear mind...

Everyday is a struggle.  The moments where things don't go right, the first thought is, "I could really do some heroin," or, "A hit of crack would be wonderful right now." 

I have to live with those thought for the rest of me life.  I don't believe in being "cured" of my addictions.  And if you believe you are cured more power to you, or you are heavily diluted, and when relapse hits, you are blind-sided. 

I don't live the NA way.  I'm not saying anything bad about it, it just wasn't the long term answer for me.  I give NA credit for helping a ton in the beginning.  I couldn't do the 90 in 90.   I worked Step 1, but I hit a wall at Step 2. 

I have started giving advice to current addicts on how to get clean...and I have talked a couple people out of relapsing.  I love helping people, especially ones that I understand. 

If you'd put a bag of dope in front of me, I am pretty confident that I'd say no....but every time that has happened, it feels like a part of me dies when I say no.  My heart hurts.  Maybe that is the addict part of me slowly dying.  At the end of the day, it feels good, and I am proud of myself but I am really tested and torn.

Getting clean is downright terrifying.  When you are wrapped up, it's like you forget about life before addiction.  So getting clean is reaching the unknown.  How do you handle the moments of stress, when your only exit is no longer an option.

I am determined to help people from my experiences....it's my calling, and helping someone is better than any dope high I've ever had.

So, I've been busy...

It's been a minute since I blogged the last time...


On November 2, 2012 my sister Lisa, died.  The doctors think it was cancer, but they could never get in enough to find out for sure. 

There has been a lot of drama in the house, but I have just been dealing with it.   It just hasn't given me a moment to write.

So with the latest series of three deaths, I was taken back to when I first almost died.  Before death was terrifying, the thought alone scared me.  Now, death is the easy part.  It's fighting for your life that is the hard part.  In that moment YOU have to decide to die or fight.  Yes, sometimes that fight is too much, and you die anyway...BUT you can die peacefully knowing you fought. 

Death is painful for the ones left behind.  But in the time I was in a coma, there was no pain.  The things I seen were amazing.  Sadly, for me to appreciate the life I had, I needed to almost lose everything. 

So my question to you is:

Is life worth fighting for and can you live like you will die tomorrow?  I think I am going to start a bucket list.

Time for a new addition to the family.

I am a proud Pitbul owner.  He is an all white pitty mix, with the nose markings of a red nosed pit.  His name is Wimbledon, and he is 2-3 years old.  In 2011, we adopted him from his foster mom though a shelter in Philly. They had a free adoption weekend, and timing was perfect.  It was the weekend before my daughters birthday, so he was her birthday present.  She loved him, and she still says he was the best birthday present.

Wimbledon is not the typical pitbul.  He had a horrible past.  He was found tied up in a tennis court in Philly, left as a bait dog.  He was found with horrible dog bites and starving.  I couldn't imagine how hopeless that would be.  When he was rescued he needed lots of medical attention and had a drain in his neck because infection set in.


When his foster mom posted that he was looking for his furr-ever home, I had told Kris that if no one wanted him, we could apply for him.  Sadly (but fortunately) no one even was remotely interested.  We went to meet him a few days later and we knew immediately...HE WAS THE ONE!


We have had him for over a year, and Kris has been wanting to get a friend for him, so we are on the search for an English Bulldog....The kind of dog Kris has wanted for as long as we've been together.  He wants one with an under bite and one of those faces that are so cute it's ugly.

Damn Heroin!

I rarely ever hop on my In The Rooms account anymore.  That site helped me when I first decided to quit heroin.  I hop on and check messages, but today I had the time to check on some of my friends.   Sadly two of them lost their battles with addiction. Kieth2Tired and Jesse.

When I first stopped I struggled with desires, and Keith talked me of the ledge a few times.  He was around my age, and the father to 3 young children.  I worry for those children.  Losing a parent is rough let alone when it was their own destructive behaviors.  I knew he was struggling, but last time we talked, he was leaving for rehab.....

He died shortly after the anniversary of his brother's overdose...

Damn.....

Then Jesse....sweet Jesse. He was  young, at least younger than me.  I figured he relapsed when he quit talking to me on the site.  It wasn't just him ignoring me, he never was on.  His brother died of an OD.  I keep thinking it was his twin, but I could be wrong.

As a mother to twin boys, my biggest fear is losing one of the twins.  Not because of my loss, but for the twin left behind.  My heart breaks for their moms.

Either way, FUCK heroin. Two great people that were just lost in addiction...GONE!  Two great people that will never know that life does get better....after you truly get clean.

Follow me...

Follow me on Twitter @tanyagross

I do follow back unless I think it is a fake account.

Also check out my Facebook accounts @

www.facebook.com/tanya.gross3
or
www.faceboook.com/SixDegreesAwayFromDeath

Also I have a Google+ account. Search for me under Tanya Gross-Whitekettle.

Just breathe....

Joey, Kris, and myself went to the school to pick the monsters up.   Layne and Tobyn ran out of the school like normal, both excited to tell us about their day, but Shannon wasn't with them.  The crossing guard informed us that Shannon was in the principals office and we were requested to speak with Miss Trevino and Miss Gingrich.

We knew it had to be bad.

We get in to the office, Shannon had been bad all day.  He ran out of the classroom, ran from one end of the school to the other three times, he pretended to shoot the teacher, and when he was asked to stop he did it again.  They had to restrain him.

She said she had to give him one day out of school suspension. I understand it, but he is in 1st grade!! 

But now I am wondering if my Autistic son needs medication. I was blind sided and before I was opposed to medicating but now I am that active mother at a complete loss....

I am so glad I am clean to deal with issues at hand...but damn this is more stressful than my sister having liver failure.

Hang in there...

My sister is in the ICU still.  She's in liver failure and no one knows why. 

I hated my sister for years, for things she did to me, my niece, and my nephew.  I hated her boyfriend.  I still do. He is the definition of a racist alcoholic white trash, and just looking at him makes me wish I still had my gun.  He looks like a hillbilly Hitler, and needs the asshole stick pulled out of his uptight ass.

Anyway, that wasn't the point of my blog.

After she wished death on me, I wished it on her.

I decided to see her at the hospital, and now I can't hate her.  I feel bad for her.   I don't want her to go like this if she does. 

She mentioned she might not make it, and I wish I could tell her to fight.  But when it's a life or death fight, YOU have to decide what you want to do.  I don't think telling someone to fight will change what they want to do.

I hope she decides to fight, she doesn't deserve to die like this.

9 Months Clean!

A very dear friend, the same woman that wrote my amazing book review, posted this on my Facebook wall.  It is a damn amazing feeling to know that I am being celebrated on another continent in another country. (UK)

I love my new life.

Death Comes in Three's

Earlier this month, you sweet disabled girl passed away.  It affected a couple of people I have met throughout the past year or so.  Her death was sad, but didn't really affect me.

RIP Tiffany Wonder.

The second death has blindsided me.   It was a man a never met, and he lived across the country.  He was a follow addict in recovery, and I was privileged enough to see some of his photography.  I had asked him if I was able to pick a photographer for Six Degrees Away From Death would he be willing to take my photograph.  His response was that he'd be honored.

Hell I was honored that he even said yes.  His photos showed hope in a hopeless situation, and I doubt anyone will ever capture it the same way.

RIP Chris Bava

The third death has yet to happen, but when I was getting out of the shower, my sister Lisa is being rushed to the hospital because she collapsed after months of being sick and not eating. So I will keep an ear open, but I can't help but wonder if she is number three.

Hmmm....

Warning, this may be offensive to some reader....It is sort of venting, with a hint of story telling.

I met this girl, and after a few meetings red flags popped up in my head, like a popper on a Thanksgiving Day Turkey.  She was "kicked out" of her aunts house while she was away for the weekend, while she was at my house, because she couldn't bring her kids along.

I am an asshole when I am trying to avoid a situation, and can't get away.  It took two days before I snapped.   I really tried to be nice...I don't think she is a bad girl, just she either likes being the victim or she's too stupid to use common sense...

Long story short, she ended up with what would be a 3 day visit ended up being 8 days.  Her kids went to stay with her mom, and today her mom showed up with custody papers.  The girl refused to sign them.  She moved in with her sister and had to have her dad and sister save her kids for her.

The girl is older than me, she admitted to me that she is an alcoholic and a few years ago she was addicted to Ativan.  I know addiction doesn't just stop.  Yes, I am clean, but I am still a heroin addict.  Everyday I have to make a conscience effort to NOT fall into the addiction trap.  But I am the asshole because I called her on her "addictions."  Then she said that she had a problem with them but stopped herself.

My ex-husband is interested in her, and after all the fucked up shit I put him through, I figured the addict thing should have been a HUGE red flag for him.  Then she tried playing that the word addict is misunderstood, and she wasn't an addict per say...

Just for future reference...DO NOT USE THE WORD ADDICTED IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MEANING!!  I can't figure out if she was trying to fit in with me, like being an addict is the key to a friendship  with me and my other.

Not to be a dick, but the word, Addiction, addict, or anything of the sort, IS NOT A WORD TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. I just wanted to scream, "You fucking idiot! People die every mother fucking day because of addiction.  You making light of something so serious shows how fucking simple you really are."

I love being in recovery, but I get offended when you can't grasp the direness of the situation.

And on top of the addict issue, everything that went wrong was not her fault.She couldn't own any of her shit she brought to the house.  I have learned to own my shit, it makes life a hell of a lot easier.

Maybe I'm intolerant of games when it comes to one of the things I am passionate about, but it's ignorance like that that keeps the word 'addict' taboo.

What makes a good mom?

I started making the Halloween costumes for the kids.  Tobyn wants to be a faery. I started making the wings, I have a shit ton to do yet.  Layne and Shannon want to be Kick Buttowski and Gunther.  I remember  one year that I had a homemade costume, because I was in the girl scouts, and they were in the parade.  I was a wolf. 

I remember being so proud of the cheesy costume, and wished my mom would do it something every year.  My mom (since she was biologically my grandmother) never really played with me.  I am not pointing fingers, just because my childhood wasn't perfect it wasn't completely my parents fault.  I truly believed they did the best they could.

I realized after having kids, that the ages 2-4 bug me.  I lacked patience.  I realized why I don't like that age group. I never was really a kid.  Yes I had moments like any kid, but I was expected to act 'maturely.'  That was most likely one of the main reasons why I felt like I never fit in.  Maybe that's why I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

As a kid I wanted to belong to something so bad.  Now, I am what I am, being different isn't bad.

I am working on letting the kids be kids. I want them to look back on their childhood and say, "My mommy was awesome."

I take complete responsibility  for being a bad mother when I was caught up, but HOPEFULLY they won't remember that.

The only thing I can do is be the best mother I can be, going off the idea of what makes a good mother.  My mom was good at being supportive, but she never really connected with me as a kid.

But what makes a good mother?

Random thing...

Today I seen a Monarch Butterfly. I snapped a bunch of up close pictures. I have never seen one in the wild that close. They are beautiful.

Ready to Start Over

I am ready to move on with my life.

It's funny, I can honestly say looking back, it was mostly hell, but there was some wonderful things I took from my love affair with heroin.

The saying is, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." If that  is true, then  yes, I am an emotionally strong person. After losing my father as a young child, abuse, rape, death of my mom, almost dying myself, and heroin addiction, according to the saying.  I don't feel strong.  I fight the moments when I feel like breaking. Survival mode really.

I wish I could own being strong.  I'd own it if I believed it myself.  I am my own worst enemy, I lack confidence.

BUT I LEARNED SOMETHING...

My distorted, twisted perception is my addiction.  I just have to tell myself to shut the hell up and admit that there is positive things about myself.

ALSO...

"You have nowhere to go but up (from the bottom)"

I have a newly refreshed view of life.  Fuck the 'victim' outlook on life. I, I, I made the choices in my life and I, I, I have to live with it.  My definition of bad is not my definition now.  I am not obsessing with the cycle, how am I getting money, How much am I going to get and how long will that last before the process starts over? Now the constant questions in my mind is "What are we making the monsters for dinner?"

I am not as impatient, and I cherish the "I love you's" and the little games and songs they come up with.... Life is good.

In my addiction, I took EVERYTHING for granted, and if I would have never really experience such selfishness, I'd most like still be taking life for granted.  Before my addiction, I did, maybe it took my shooting everything away to make me thankful for the little things.

It was thrown in my face today that I lost a lot of friends since I got addicted.   Obviously they weren't real friends.  Now that I am clean, I am focusing on being the best Mom I can be, the best person I can be, and focus on my writing and reaching my goal of motivational speaking.  I think I have enough on my plate to worry about nonsense drama.

I'm a new person and I am ready for a new beginning.

Loving Life.

Tomorrow will be 37 weeks clean.  HELL YEAH!!!!

Before I wrote Six Degrees Away From Death, I was stuck in this pathetic "feel sorry for myself, afraid of everything" mode.  When I wrote my first story, I doubted myself.  Why the hell would anyone be interested in my story?  I started writing in spite of my doubts. Maybe I wrote out of boredom... 

I remember the first couple of months of sobriety. I was going stir crazy and bored out of my mind.  Kris and I played Rummy and Scrabble a lot.  We read the just for today every morning, and it helped keep my head clear.  Looking at the big picture from the bottom is incredibly overwhelming.  Just for today helped escape the big picture temporarily. 

When you are wrapped up in your addiction, you don't notice how much of your life is consumed by this one item.  It's like a zombie hungry for brains... all you think about is that next one...for me it was dope (heroin)...the voice in my head would scream, "Dope, dope, dope..."

When you take that object of obsession and finally give it up, all of a sudden there is time for almost anything.  For me it was too much time, and Captain Addiction constantly was whispering, "You know you wanna get dope."

He and I had many conversations, and part of me wanted just 1 more, but the part of me that was dying to break the cycle didn't want to relapse.  At first it felt like the good and bad angel on my shoulders.  My will was barely there, and secretly I hoped for that one reason to relapse.  

Over time the good angel (my will) grew from a mousey cunt to a beast.  At this moment my urges are there from time to time but saying no doesn't feel like an ounce of my soul is being killed.  About once a day, I have to remind myself of what I really want.  I want to live life, be the best parent I can be.  Well for that matter, I want to be the best person I can be. Best mom, friend, lover, etc. 

Lately the kids have been telling me that I am the best mommy.  Kris has even complimented me lately, and it is more fulfilling than any two bag shot. 

I realized, Life is what you make it. Focus on the positives, and the negative isn't so consuming. You have to fight for something, anything if you want to stay clean.  You need to find something to redirect your mind from the boredom and Captain Addiction.  I chose to fight for my life back, and now I am loving the new life I have created for myself already.

The Monster's Elementary School Princpal

Most parents of this generation have someone at their child's school, that they butt head's with, whether it is a principal, teacher, coach, or whoever. I almost home schooled my kids because I hated school.  Socially I am "retarded" (don't take offense...)  and so having Autistic twin boys, I wasn't eager to throw them into the social "pool."

Last school year was the boys first year.  They were in half-day kindergarten. I was still in my heroin addiction, and a piece of shit as a parent.  Their teachers and principal were amazing, and I never knew if they new my dirty little secret. 

This year I'm clean.  My little princess started half day kindergarten, and in the beginning of the school year she kindly greeted Joey and I.

She asked how I am doing, and I told her about Six Degrees Away From Death, and explained that I am an addict in recovery, so things are going well. 

She congratulated me, and we went on with the day.

A little over a week later she asked ME about putting Tobyn in accelerated all day kindergarten.

Friday Tobyn was sent home early, since she was sick. Over the weekend, she spread the cold, and between the change of season, the cold he caught over the weekend, and his asthma, my Shannon Banana, is feeling like Hell. 


I kept him home Monday and Tuesday, just to make sure he was well enough.  It's nothing I haven't dealt with before, and if I felt like he should see a doctor, I'd find a ride to the doctor.

Two days ago, Ms. Trevino, called me and said that she knows that me getting a ride to his doctor is hard for me, so if I feel like he needs to go, and I don't have a ride, call  her at the school and she will help me find a way  to get us there.

I really appreciate it.

Ready to take on some more responsibility...

So I fucked our finances and we are filing for bankruptcy.  I know I did it almost single-handed and quickly.  My ex took over finances, and it now has become an issue.  When we were using I understood WHY shit was off....now there is NO reason utilities should be shut off.  Our habit is gone, but he is too lazy to even pay bills on time. 

I have discussed it with the other adults in the house, there is no reason why we can't afford as a whole to keep things afloat....I mentioned taking over finances.  It's time...hope this doesn't start another war.

Bringing back the old school.

My kids are sick, so I have been putting on the classic movies like Honey I Shrunk the Kids..

They love them!! And it's the best feeling in the world to have them all hanging out with me.....Makes me not want to go back to the hell of addiction. 

It's sad, the guy that got me to use for the first time needs surgery for an abscess, and another friend of mine relapsed last night...

I asked the friend with the abscess if he was done, he said no.  The friend that relapsed said sobriety isn't bringing him anything that makes being clean worth it.  So he's gonna go back to dealing..He's 17....

It's bothering me.  Don't they know how to appreciate the little things?

What does it take?

So my husband and I are still legally married.  We still live together as roommates.  He's a good person, just not the right person for me. 

He put up with me in my addiction, and was as supportive as he could be when I almost died.  He was very quick to point the finger and brag that he was the 'good' parent.  He has a tendency to hold on to stuff, and his baggage is overwhelming. 

When I first decided to get clean with my boyfriend at the time, he had the attitude of I'll believe it when I see it.  I understand the skepticism. 

I think PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) affected my other and myself. A little over a month ago I starting to get back to myself, and have stepped up in general.  I wake up early, sit with  the kids for meals, do almost all the homework, bath time, bed time and story time.

For some reason, he barely did any of that.  They'd be late for school, homework assignments were missed, dinner was something easy or pizza, and they be served and he wouldn't eat with  them.  Yes, I know I should have stepped up a long time ago, but I can't change the past.

Children and youth were involve.  And that it probably one of the best things that could have happened.  We were ordered to take a parenting class. We are taking the class currently and I love it.  He complained that he felt like he took all the responsibility.  I admit that yes, I was not good, and I have been consistently have been improving.

As I improved, he's dropping the ball.  He admitted to the teacher, that he is waiting for me to relapse. That is what it is, but does he need to neglect the house and chores? How long do I let him go before I bring it up? 

I wish he'd just let go of me being a pos and focus on the kids...

Thankful.

Today we caught a glimpse of someone we used to cop with.  I jokingly said, "Wouldn't it be funny if they knocked on our door?"

Last time we seen them or heard about the couple, they were homeless, living in their SUV.  I just couldn't imagine being in a wheelchair living in my car.  They were still using and mentioned getting shit in Harrisburg.  The wheelchair bound girl was nodding off and couldn't hold a conversation. 

I am so glad that is not me anymore.  I love being coherent...and I love being in a bed.  It's the little things

Million Dollar Question...

WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT?
Hell WHAT MAKES A GOOD PERSON?

Just thinking.  I will respond with my answer later.

Best Moments in Life

Normally, the best moment in your life is something big...ex.: wedding or birth of your first child, etc.

I took life for granted.  I took too many things for granted.  In my active addiction, I lost myself.  I used to escape my so-called shitty life. I wanted to escape. 

Not only does the addict hurt themselves, but the ones that love them are affected too.  I hid my heroin use from my kids, but in trying to hide my dark secret, I neglected them.  It wasn't right, and now I have to live with that.  But I can't dwell. 

I have been working hard to be a good role model for them and be the best Tanya I can be.

This past weekend, I was playing with Layne.  Since I am in a wheelchair, my 'playing' is limited.   He was sitting on my lap while I was sitting on the futon.  I tickled him, and he was giggling and squealing like most 6 year old boys when they get attacked by the horrible 'tickle monster'.

Out of nowhere he stops.  He looks me in the eye, his big blue eyes bright, "I love you Mommy."  That is something he said to me a million times.

"I love you too buddy," I responded.

"I like hanging out with you now," he said in the most serious tone I have ever heard come from him.

"Yeah, I like hanging out too." I stated back.  I had to fight crying, just hearing that made me realize what I was missing out on.

Bottling shit up....

So I just realized Kris and I have two different approaches to life.  Kris, when something annoys him, he smiles through it.  No one knows something bothering him.  Then as his other (or whatever you want to call me) I can read his subtle signs, which usually when I ask what's wrong....the beast is unleashed...

I, however, can't hold shit in and just smile.  I'm not an asshole and make everyone unhappy when the tiniest thing bothers me, but I address the situation.  I grew up in a household that was verbally explosive.  If a member of my household growing up was pissed off, everyone knew it.  Abusive, hurtful things were always said out anger.

Some of the things I remember hearing were:
My mom was sick  of teenage rebellious behaviors, and she told me that she doubted that I was my father's child, because my birth mother was a 'slut.'
My sister would wished I'd get raped and murdered, because I was an 'asshole bitch'.

I try not be that harsh in my rage, but every once in a while, that horrible beast is woken.  I found though when I getting to that point, what I wish or say happens, usually happens.  An example of that (and not the only one) was when I was in high school, I told a girl to shoot herself because no one liked her when she picked a fight because "I stole her boyfriend."  She shot herself that night.

She made me learn to not run my mouth unless I mean it.

I wonder though, which way is better?  Bottle it up, and slowly destroy yourself, or offend or hurt the ones around?

Ideally a mixture would be best, but how do you figure out which battles to choose wisely?

I have been busy writing my sequel to Six Degrees Away From Death.  We have 5 kids here, and this is the first time I can remember where we had enough food, things for the monsters to do.  We have started eating dinner as a family and the kids don't have tv at bedtime.  I am loving the changes at home....I feel comfortable, even in my own fucked up skin.  I have to remember to not take the little things for granted.

I tossed Kris something, and my throwing has steadily improved.  He said about how good I am doing, and then he asked the million dollar question, How much better would I be if we would have quit shooting heroin much sooner?

Ya know, I never really thought about it.  I like to avoid the what if type questions.  I hated therapy, so after a couple of months, I quit.  I was still into dope at the time, and now I wonder if the addiction affected my outlook.

The thing I have to remind myself, don't dwell on the past.  Things are the way they are for a reason....Even if you don't believe in god.  The only thing I can do if work for a better future.

Not sure if it's a good thing...

I think it is.

The elementary school called today while I was in the shower.  So when we walked my youngest to the afternoon kindergarten, we stopped in the office to see if the secretary knew about the phone call.  She went to ask the school nurse and we hear, "Just the person I wanted to talk to."  It was the wonderful principal.  She is a sweetheart and I absolutely adore her.  Every time she says she needs the speak with me, it takes me back to being in trouble in high school.  Panic set in, but I hid it, secretly hoping my boys didn't do something again to get in trouble.

She explained that she Lower Allen is starting their accelerated kindergarten program, and she'd like to put Tobyn in it.  So starting Monday she is going to start going all day instead of a couple of hours in the afternoon.

I wasn't sure if it meant that she was slightly delayed (her brother's are and in special ed for part of the day) or she is advanced...a good friend said that is what they did with his daughter, and she is advanced.  There is a meeting Thursday for all the details...

Either way, I think it will be a good thing for her.

New outlook on life...

After I spent time in my coma, losing my ability to walk or speak properly, made me  fearful of life.   Afraid of being made fun of, failing if I attempted something and allowing myself to feel that disappointment, and the fear of falling, didn't allow me to leave my bed....unless I was shot up and feeling well....

After I quit using it still took sometime to get over the fear of life.  Life is scary when you are healthy and clear headed. let alone when you feel defenseless, weak, and feeble.  Kris tried so hard to pull me out of my fears...but I was stubborn.

I was terrified to try and express my fears, and I'd toy with different ideas...one was write a book....because my entire life I had been told I should write a book.  I posted that I was thinking about writing, and Aviva told me I should.

Since I was bored and sick of my stagnate life, it was time for a change.  I was so afraid of being ridiculed the only person I'd share any of my writing with was Aviva. Chapter by chapter she was eager to know what happened next.  It kept me motivated and I grew to not care if someone hated my writing.

Now that I have finished the first book, I am no longer Tanya Gross-Whitekettle, Junkie.  I am Tanya Gross-Whitekettle, Author.  With the junkie title replaced with another much more positive word, it has opened my eyes to the shell of life I lived in for two years.  Today I can proudly admit that being confined to a chair or not, my possibilities are limitless.  I just have to work hard for what I want....Disappointment is part of life. If there weren't down moments, how can you enjoy the upswing or the peak of life?

And so what if I fall (literally) because I can get up again....I have before, I'll live....I just can't forget that..

Step 1

I wrote this shortly before I decided to get clean.  I have posted it on other places....but it reminds me of how low I was not even 9 months ago.

Step 1

I have hated myself for a very long time. I hated who I was, and I thought that heroin was making me better…It wasn’t. The wonderful feeling and the satisfaction of destroying myself, made me hide my true self. I still am a broken little girl, and heroin felt like a long lost friend that made me feel complete. I realize that I will always have a sick love affair with her, but I need to say goodbye, because if I don’t she will kill me. She has come close a few times. I hoped she would. It was a completely twisted love affair.
You would think, being an intelligent girl, I would know better. I fell into her trap. Putting the needle in for a few hours of escape, only to be deathly ill in the end, looking back I hate it. I need to be done for myself, the kids, Kris, and Joey. There is more to life than heroin, and I am dying every single time I use. I should hate her, but I don’t, I love her and her controlling power. I am absolutely powerless to her, because I allow myself to be. I need to stand strong and fight the little voice in my head, her little whispers in my ear.
I have given her all that I had to give, and I simply can’t do it anymore. I need to admit to myself and others that, this love affair, the lies, and deceit are over. I really want my life back. Every day that I think of her and her warm embrace, I need to remember the cold heartlessness she would leave me in almost every night. Waking up and dreaming of that feeling never came close to the truth. I have destroyed myself, but I am not completely gone. I can say goodbye and mean it. I have to, if I don’t want to lose what matters most. I need to fix me, and I need to learn to say goodbye to the thing dragging me down.
Nine Inch Nails….You can have it all….my empire of dirt…that is how I feel. I need to take this crown of shit she has left me with, and throw it away. I need to say goodbye and mean it with every ounce of will I have left. I deserve a much more meaningful life, than chasing the rush she gives me. Our love affair is meaningless now, even though it meant the world to me at one point. I need to find something else to do rather than wait for her to grace me with her beautiful presents. At this point, she has become a haggard, evil witch and I viewed her as the loving, beautiful princess that could fix everything. I never realized that as she was giving me what I thought was the world, she was secretly buying my soul.
So in my first step, I give in to her power, but I won’t give in anymore. I have to turn my back on her and leave her for dead. It hurts me to leave something I loved so much, but I love life more. I need to reevaluate all aspects of my life, and figure out where she can try to creep back in. I need to close it off so she can’t. I can do this if I have the determination that had to meet up with her when I had nothing. The saying if there is a will there is a way. Even though right now the will is small, its there, and it will grow over time.

Finding myself.

So the love of my life went to his hometown for a few days....I am having trouble being happy about this.  Maybe I am being selfish, maybe it's the lack of trust sobriety has brought us.  He just was released from house arrest, and maybe I am being sensitive when I feel like he needs to get away from me...and me only....not just the feeling of being penned up for two months. 

The past couple weeks, I have started being the old me...before my torrid love affair with Ms. Heroin.  I have started being the mother I imagined myself to be.  Making sure the kids get ready for school, do their homework with them, etc.

I finally feel great about myself.  Over 7 months clean....and I am finally good with myself.  But maybe it was a little too late for it to have an affect on my relationship.  I have to stay strong, and I don't NEED a man to be okay, but having one around to laugh and enjoy life with make things better...

He keeps saying about how great I am doing...and that everything will be okay.  But what the hell does that mean?  I know I am improving, I honestly think I am more clearheaded now than I have ever been.

Writing Six Degrees Away From Death really reminded me of where I came from.  I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO THAT HELL...together or alone, my monsters and I deserve the best life I can give them...

So excited!

So things with Six Degrees Away From Death are going well.  My wonderful author friend, sent it to the publisher and she agreed to review it. And my author friend submitted it to a second publisher. 

So now I have to wait and the anticipation for an answer (good or bad) is driving nuts.  I feel like a child waiting for Christmas.

Tobyn

My baby turned 5 today!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!! The house (Kris, My ex, and myself) pitched in to get her a MP3 player.  She didn't know what it was but now she loves it.  We are filling it with songs she likes...and she LOVES Motown!!! So proud of her!! Good taste princess!!!

Beyond Excited!!!

My author friend heard back from the publisher and she agreed to read it, and so she forwarded the PDF to her.  She is hoping to speak with the publisher next week about Six Degrees Away From Death!!! SO excited, proud and nervous.

I was given a book review, even before I am published!!! It's an amazing feeling.  To know Six Degrees Away From Death was read by a woman I never met it the UK...   It's amazing.  Her name is Aviva, and she is beautiful and talented...

http://www.gravedigginunderthemancyway.blogspot.com/2012/08/tanya-gross-whitekettle-author-woman.html

Stressing....

So my boyfriend at the time (the love of my life) had a choice between jail and house arrest for 60 days....We wanted house arrest....he comes off in a little over a week....before his house arrest set in....he broke up with me....

The other day he says..."I still owe $700.."

WTF!?!?!

The paper work the district justice gave him said around 9 bucks a day...okay..
He showed me tonight, the company is charging his $25 a day!!!

I think that should be disclosed information.......when we were together I said I would take care of it (just like everything else.)  Now I am struggling with why the fuck I am paying for someone I am not spending my life with.....

Something I just can't Understand....

Why is addiction deemed so negative by society?

YES...addiction is destructive and deadly...it's a very negative thing.  In my experience, Every addict has an excuse of why they drink or use.  Something happened to break them.   I don't picture any addict saying, "My life is amazing, I'm on top of the world. Here hand me that syringe."  I'm not saying it isn't possible, but really not likely.

I know that MY heroin addiction, left me alone and filled with shame and self-hate.  Addiction is a disease...my head and heart would scream, "STOP!! JUST FUCKING STOP!"  But yet my soul was on a destructive auto-pilot mode.  No matter what I wanted, NOTHING was worth that feeling, that rush, when I was using.  

When I was using, no one pulled me aside to smack some sense into me....I wish they would have.  I realize it's not their responsibility to save me....especially from myself.  I NEEDED TO SAVE ME!!! (but in all honesty, it would have been nice.)

When I committed to not use anymore, I was ashamed to admit my mistake.  Maybe it was a mix of fear and self doubt. How could I tell someone I am clean when I don't know if the next day I'm not going to relapse...Just for today...RIGHT???  Admitting and owning up to the hell you dug yourself into, isn't easy by any means. 

If you give into your addiction, you let so many people down...but it feels like those people you will let down by using are waiting for you to fail...at least in my experience.

My dad was livid when  he found out, and for the next year after, he'd ask, "You high?"  Most of the time I'd lie.  Now that I'm clean, he still asks, "You high?"  

"No, Dad..." I feel like a rebellious teenager. My childhood was far from the best, and the one saying that has helped me is, The past is the past. I had to let go of my guilt and shame over the past IF I wanted a better future.

 If I had any self doubt in my commitment to stay clean, the tone of disgust in his voice would drive me straight to the beloved needle....after all...heroin protected me from myself, while it secretly killed me.  

Every addict knows that their addiction is deadly, but it doesn't matter.  

What I don't get is a using addict is a sick person, instead of shunning them, HELP them....don't discourage them by talking shit behind their back, or pestering them when they clearly are making the effort to be clean.  Beating a broken person won't help them if the are already broken......it will drive them into their drug of choice...

Taking Life For Granted...

I always heard saying like, "Stop and smell the roses." And, "It's the little things."

It took me almost dying to realize what those little sayings meant.  In life you have those OOOOHHHH!!! moments, and I remember sitting in Select and having that moment.  

Even before I selfishly became an addict, I was rushing through life, not appreciation the little things. In my addiction, I lost myself, and was incapable of appreciating anything especially the small things.  

Walking.  Watching My Kids Grow up. Friendships.  Ability to Drive. Smiling until my Cheeks Hurt.  Working on Cars.  Shooting My Guns.  Shopping without assistance.  Talking On the Phone. Jumping on our Trampoline. Going to the bathroom AND bathing at will.  Hiking In the Woods.

The list is endless.

In recovery, I have learned what those sayings mean, and have made an effort to use them in my daily life.

I am a better person for it.

What I would like to see come from Six Degrees Away From Death...

1. I'd LOVE to see it on bookshelves, and sold by Amazon.  My dad has no faith in me having any success.  I don't even think he believes that I could be an author, and he has called me writing a book a get rich quick scheme.  There is nothing quick about this process.  Yes, I wrote it relatively quickly, as I started in April and was finished the rough draft in June.  I spent countless hours and  nights awake until 5 am and awake by 8 am writing the entire time I was awake.  It'd be an amazing moment to have my dad go with me to our local book store and show him...

2.  Use my book to kick off my motivational speaking career.

3.  I have other ideas to do, that I would need funding for, and if i earn any money from the book I will invest in my other projects.

Owning a Pitbul

So almost a year ago my boyfriend and I adopted a pitbul.  We were loosely discussing getting a dog.  We knew we wanted a bigger dog, but we hadn't seriously discussed a breed or anything.  

He had a friend on FB that was a pitbul foster mommy, and her agency was having a free adoption weekend.  She posted pictures of an all white pit with tiny spots of tan, and a red nose.  He was too damn cute, especially since he wasn't cropped up.  Big floppy ears and a big long tail.  

We told his friend that if no one showed interest, we were.  No one wanted him, so we took a trip to her house to meet him.  He was very timid, and was leery of my wheelchair.  We both immediately fell in love with him.  We started the adoption process.  He came home with us that night.

He is covered in scars, and was left tied up in a tennis court in Philly.  Most likely he was a bait dog.  Because of his horrible past, he doesn't know how to play.  And if you throw something to try and teach him how to fetch he flinched and hides.  Instead he plays weird games, like starring down and blowing in his direction, his tail wags a million miles an hour and he smiles in between moments of barking and growling.  After his playing he loves up on us.  Occasionally, Kris will chase him around the yard, and he zip around and we joke that he looks like a little crack ball.

I wasn't much of a dog person, but he has turned me into a pitbul person. I am glad he has become a family member.

Oh and his name is Wimbledon Franklin Henry Oliver. And because of him I want to fight dog fighting and BSL (Breed specific Legislation.)  He is an amazing dog, protective of his family, gentle, sweet, and occasionally goofy....It bothers me that someone was heartless enough to try and ruin his wonderful spirit.

Why are sober relationships so difficult?

In my current relationship, I don't even know what to call it.  He broke up with me because he is miserable.  He is on house arrest in my home, and that saying you always hurt the one's you love, seems to be holding true.When he's happy, I remember why I fell in love.  But he's been swearing he is gonna move out for a while now, and it's become the whole I'll believe it when I see it.   I don't want him to leave, but I am past begging him to stay.  

When we both were using, our relationship was alright, but drugs hid us from ourselves, and that 2 years, neither of us grew.  Now, we are both clean but instead of taking life by the horns, he seems stuck.  I started my writing, and he has admitted that it sometimes bothers him.  He's also admitted that he's jealous, because his life long dream to be a signed dj, seems like a pipe dream.  

I have found myself having to hold my ground, when he is whining, "I want crack."  I say no, because I want to move forward in my life.  Yes smoking some crack would be fun, but I do not want to even go down that path.  

I was told at my first NA meeting, "Sobriety will bring your wildest dreams."  So far it has.  I don't think if I was clean, I would have never had the drive to finish what I started.

I think what makes sober relationships so hard is when one addict grows, and the other addict is stuck holding on to bad feeling and can't grow.

Out of my comfort zone..

I always swore I'd do anything once.  Afraid or Not.  I ended up reaching my first real dream when I was in high school, when the odds were stacked against me.

Then I fell in love, and my life and goals changed.  I ended up married at 20, and we purchased our first home, and starting a family.  I lived the picket white fence dream, but I was unhappy.  My wonderful husband and I grew apart.  I could have worked harder to fix our marriage, but I didn't.  I own up to the destruction of our marriage.  

I couldn't find anything to make me truly happy.  I escaped my responsible life, and here is where the I'll try anything once, comes in. I booted (shot up) heroin.  It made me happy, but I only realized in sobriety that it was a Fake happiness, but when I had enough it was too late. Stopping meant being dope sick.  

I am addicted to tattoos and body modifications. I'd love to do suspension hanging once in my life. A body modification turned my life upside down, and I almost died.  As a result, I can't walk on my own, and my speech is ruined.  

Before my life turned into a vicious cycle of addiction, I was obese.  I decided to lose 100 lbs. and less than 2 years after I committed to losing weight, I reached my goal. 

After my two month hospital stay, FEAR controlled every decision I made, and kept me in my boring comfort zone.  

When I finally said enough was enough, stopping my addiction was the first step out of my pathetic comfort zone.  In the early stages of sobriety, I attended NA.  With my speech issue, speaking was a HUGE fear.  I decided to share several times, and I realized the only issue with MY speech was ME.  In rooms filled of 20-60 other addicts, all of them listened intently, and quite often when I finished sharing, there was clapping and after the meetings several of my fellow addicts would approach me and give me words of encouragement.

I realized I don't need to be afraid.  I still deserve a good life, If you don't work for what you want, it won't just be handed to you, and if it is, you can't take the experience and add to your character.  Don't get me wrong, help is an amazing thing.

If it wasn't for the help from Wendy, the author of 'I work with Crabby Crabby People', my dream of being a published author would most likely be a million miles away.  It was scary to give someone I never met Six Degrees Away from Death so she could help me on my journey.  I AM SO THANKFUL I allowed myself to step out of my comfort zone, because now, I remembered how to chase my dreams again.

A little about me...

I am 29 years old.  I am legally married, but am separated from my husband. He's a wonderful man, just not the right "one" for me.   I am the proud mother of Autistic Identical Twin Boys and a beautiful little girl. 

At one of the lowest points in my life, I became a heroin addict.  After I almost died, I ended up having Ataxia and Dysarthria. I spent almost the entire year after I came home from the hospital in my active addiction.

I decided to get sober, and I learned that sober relationships are harder to maintain than a heroin addiction.  After getting clean from crack and heroin, I decided that wheelchair bound or not, I deserve to create new dreams.   

I decided to write a story Six Degrees Away From Death.  I am currently writing the sequel now and in the final phase of editing.  

I want to become a published author, and use my books as a stepping stone to become a motivational speaker to teens.  I feel in my heart, that if I can stop even one child from picking up for the first time, my mistakes will be worth it.

I am going to blog about the pathway to reaching my dreams, my life and sobriety, and occasionally vent.