Ready to Start Over

I am ready to move on with my life.

It's funny, I can honestly say looking back, it was mostly hell, but there was some wonderful things I took from my love affair with heroin.

The saying is, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." If that  is true, then  yes, I am an emotionally strong person. After losing my father as a young child, abuse, rape, death of my mom, almost dying myself, and heroin addiction, according to the saying.  I don't feel strong.  I fight the moments when I feel like breaking. Survival mode really.

I wish I could own being strong.  I'd own it if I believed it myself.  I am my own worst enemy, I lack confidence.

BUT I LEARNED SOMETHING...

My distorted, twisted perception is my addiction.  I just have to tell myself to shut the hell up and admit that there is positive things about myself.

ALSO...

"You have nowhere to go but up (from the bottom)"

I have a newly refreshed view of life.  Fuck the 'victim' outlook on life. I, I, I made the choices in my life and I, I, I have to live with it.  My definition of bad is not my definition now.  I am not obsessing with the cycle, how am I getting money, How much am I going to get and how long will that last before the process starts over? Now the constant questions in my mind is "What are we making the monsters for dinner?"

I am not as impatient, and I cherish the "I love you's" and the little games and songs they come up with.... Life is good.

In my addiction, I took EVERYTHING for granted, and if I would have never really experience such selfishness, I'd most like still be taking life for granted.  Before my addiction, I did, maybe it took my shooting everything away to make me thankful for the little things.

It was thrown in my face today that I lost a lot of friends since I got addicted.   Obviously they weren't real friends.  Now that I am clean, I am focusing on being the best Mom I can be, the best person I can be, and focus on my writing and reaching my goal of motivational speaking.  I think I have enough on my plate to worry about nonsense drama.

I'm a new person and I am ready for a new beginning.