I wrote this shortly before I decided to get clean. I have posted it on other places....but it reminds me of how low I was not even 9 months ago.
Step 1
I have hated myself for a very long time. I hated who I was, and I thought that heroin was making me better…It wasn’t. The wonderful feeling and the satisfaction of destroying myself, made me hide my true self. I still am a broken little girl, and heroin felt like a long lost friend that made me feel complete. I realize that I will always have a sick love affair with her, but I need to say goodbye, because if I don’t she will kill me. She has come close a few times. I hoped she would. It was a completely twisted love affair.
You would think, being an intelligent girl, I would know better. I fell into her trap. Putting the needle in for a few hours of escape, only to be deathly ill in the end, looking back I hate it. I need to be done for myself, the kids, Kris, and Joey. There is more to life than heroin, and I am dying every single time I use. I should hate her, but I don’t, I love her and her controlling power. I am absolutely powerless to her, because I allow myself to be. I need to stand strong and fight the little voice in my head, her little whispers in my ear.
I have given her all that I had to give, and I simply can’t do it anymore. I need to admit to myself and others that, this love affair, the lies, and deceit are over. I really want my life back. Every day that I think of her and her warm embrace, I need to remember the cold heartlessness she would leave me in almost every night. Waking up and dreaming of that feeling never came close to the truth. I have destroyed myself, but I am not completely gone. I can say goodbye and mean it. I have to, if I don’t want to lose what matters most. I need to fix me, and I need to learn to say goodbye to the thing dragging me down.
Nine Inch Nails….You can have it all….my empire of dirt…that is how I feel. I need to take this crown of shit she has left me with, and throw it away. I need to say goodbye and mean it with every ounce of will I have left. I deserve a much more meaningful life, than chasing the rush she gives me. Our love affair is meaningless now, even though it meant the world to me at one point. I need to find something else to do rather than wait for her to grace me with her beautiful presents. At this point, she has become a haggard, evil witch and I viewed her as the loving, beautiful princess that could fix everything. I never realized that as she was giving me what I thought was the world, she was secretly buying my soul.
So in my first step, I give in to her power, but I won’t give in anymore. I have to turn my back on her and leave her for dead. It hurts me to leave something I loved so much, but I love life more. I need to reevaluate all aspects of my life, and figure out where she can try to creep back in. I need to close it off so she can’t. I can do this if I have the determination that had to meet up with her when I had nothing. The saying if there is a will there is a way. Even though right now the will is small, its there, and it will grow over time.
Step 1
I have hated myself for a very long time. I hated who I was, and I thought that heroin was making me better…It wasn’t. The wonderful feeling and the satisfaction of destroying myself, made me hide my true self. I still am a broken little girl, and heroin felt like a long lost friend that made me feel complete. I realize that I will always have a sick love affair with her, but I need to say goodbye, because if I don’t she will kill me. She has come close a few times. I hoped she would. It was a completely twisted love affair.
You would think, being an intelligent girl, I would know better. I fell into her trap. Putting the needle in for a few hours of escape, only to be deathly ill in the end, looking back I hate it. I need to be done for myself, the kids, Kris, and Joey. There is more to life than heroin, and I am dying every single time I use. I should hate her, but I don’t, I love her and her controlling power. I am absolutely powerless to her, because I allow myself to be. I need to stand strong and fight the little voice in my head, her little whispers in my ear.
I have given her all that I had to give, and I simply can’t do it anymore. I need to admit to myself and others that, this love affair, the lies, and deceit are over. I really want my life back. Every day that I think of her and her warm embrace, I need to remember the cold heartlessness she would leave me in almost every night. Waking up and dreaming of that feeling never came close to the truth. I have destroyed myself, but I am not completely gone. I can say goodbye and mean it. I have to, if I don’t want to lose what matters most. I need to fix me, and I need to learn to say goodbye to the thing dragging me down.
Nine Inch Nails….You can have it all….my empire of dirt…that is how I feel. I need to take this crown of shit she has left me with, and throw it away. I need to say goodbye and mean it with every ounce of will I have left. I deserve a much more meaningful life, than chasing the rush she gives me. Our love affair is meaningless now, even though it meant the world to me at one point. I need to find something else to do rather than wait for her to grace me with her beautiful presents. At this point, she has become a haggard, evil witch and I viewed her as the loving, beautiful princess that could fix everything. I never realized that as she was giving me what I thought was the world, she was secretly buying my soul.
So in my first step, I give in to her power, but I won’t give in anymore. I have to turn my back on her and leave her for dead. It hurts me to leave something I loved so much, but I love life more. I need to reevaluate all aspects of my life, and figure out where she can try to creep back in. I need to close it off so she can’t. I can do this if I have the determination that had to meet up with her when I had nothing. The saying if there is a will there is a way. Even though right now the will is small, its there, and it will grow over time.
Hey Tanya,
ReplyDeleteEvery time I read that, it speaks so profoundly to me.
Hugs&love XxXxXxXxXxXx
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ReplyDeleteYeah...I read it a million times since I wrote it. I don't mind if you share it.
ReplyDeleteStep 1 will be in Six Degrees Away From Death at some point...and the raw moments leading up to that....defining....moment.
Sadly I used after I wrote that....damn reservations.
Hi Tanya
ReplyDeleteYour words here echoe my thoughts on what was once our dear friend/brother/sister/spouse, the one that always came first. The knocks on my door are sometimes easy to ignore and other times reduce me to tears. I know deep down in my heart that life will only progress if I keep that door shut.
Karl X
Yes...I was tempted by the offer from an acquaintance the other day, and I walked away, and the only thought was "That's dangerous. I'm glad I am secure in my sobriety." I automatically said "No," but afterward...the little addiction voice was saying "just call the guy."
ReplyDeleteMy partner in crime didn't know that I was offered any, He just heard Fentanyl. When he realized I turned it down without hesitation he high-fived me. And he admitted that would have been hard.
I wrote this when my partner in crime was in jail for a bad check. I used once the day after he came home from jail. It was our last goodbye. And I haven't relapsed once. It has been almost 8 months....my clean date is 1-21-12...
Sorry, I got off topic. I was in a very dark and lonely place. I wasn't sick when I wrote this. I wasn't high, but sickness was over....that voice got to me. My partner in crime called me and asked me to read step 1....and since I couldn't talk to him, so I put it on paper and read it to him the next day. He was so happy that I wrote how he felt, we agreed to quit when he got out a couple of days later.
There isn't moments where her taunting hasn't almost driven me to relapse, but that will I wrote about has grown, and has kept me strong. Getting clean was the hardest thing I ever did, and I buried my mom, had to relearn how to sit up,relearn to walk (which I still can't do unassisted without help.)