Sometimes I Just Don't Know...

I thought I had the love of my life.  We went through hell and high water.  We have had a devistatingly ugly break up.  And I am sitting here picking about the illusion of our love.  My love was very real, but after many talks, he told me what I wanted to hear.  Strung me along. 

How the hell can I love someone, that never loved me the way I needed?  It's unreasonable to be resentful over some of his actions in his opinion.  He has told me to never bring up the fact that he was going to let me die.  Not once, not twice, but THREE times.

The first time I went into a severe alllegic reaction to doggie flea medicine. I begged him to call 911 and he didn't.  The second time, he left me for most of the morning unresponsive, by the time my ex husband forced him to take me to the hospital, i should have been dead, permanently fucked up, and this third time, my ex husband called 911, on the two year anniversary of waking from my coma, because i turned blue during an asthma attack.  I begged him to call and he refused.  I took 4 Albuterol nebulizer treatments, and he sat there, telling me don't panic.  As I was loaded into the ambulance, things were fading, i was scared, pretty sure i was dying.  The only thing i remember was him mouthing I love you.  But he didn't show until the day I was being sent home.  Four days, and when he showed he fought with me.

I don't like being alone, but it has to be better than that, right?

I've decided to put myself out there, if I find someone worth it.  I actually kind of am interested in getting to know someone, but I'm scared.  I haven't dated...crippled.  I don't know how to express myself, but not embarrass myself.  I just hope over time, i can muster up the balls, to put myself out there. 

Maybe after doing my first suspension in 17 days I will have the confidence, to say it.

But sometimes I just don't know.

Let's try this again.

My laptop is back up and running.  So I'm back. So much has changed, but I am 20 months clean. 

My monsters are in a new school year.  Shannon has a TSS and she has been a god send.  He's having a much better year. Layne has really taken to drawing, and his favorite class is creative writing.

Kris is not even an option. As much as it hurts,  I know i will be fine, eventually. I've survived worse right?

I am finally FINALLY getting a new chair!  This manual one is a purely crawl joke.  It's an eyesore, for real.  Like having a speech issue, and in a wheelchair isnt embarrassing as it is, I get to sport this piece of shit.

I dont know why it uploaded sideways, but broken arm rests, torn seat and back, wobbly wheels, loose handle grips make me not to want to go into public.

I'm not ashamed of who I have become, but i feel like a frumpy retarded cripple.  People talk down to you or get weird looks.....And they are not the same looks you get when you are loaded up on piercings or tattoos.

I have been living by the motto of fuck fear.  In one month, I am participating in a suspension hanging for me 31st birthday.

So many changes,  at the moment life has had some crappy moments, my friend Merle Hare, and my ex husbands grandma, Anna Gross, passed away in a week, so I feel like I am in limbo, waiting for the next death.  

That is all I am going to write about for now. 

Time to start dating......I guess...

Well, Kris is by far the love of my life.  But after trying and trying, it's not going to work out the way I hoped it would. I just want him to be happy and that's not with me.

I have been with him since before I got fucked up.  I was insecure when I was healthy, now, I love who I am, but how do I learn to believe someone will see past the wheelchair and not be one of those guys that just wants to put fucking a cripple on their list.

I am past the do anyone because I simply can. I don't want to be that shallow person anymore.  I want to make someone as happy as they make me.

I feel like I failed Kris, now I just have to dust myself off, lick my wounds, and learn to live again. Hopefully someone will really love me, for me.

New experiences

I have been depressed and my anxiety is out of control.  I am battling everyday to not use. I have heard about the wonderful power of ibogaine. I decided to try it. Help my issues and stop the urges, hell yeah. I needed to do something. I took 5 rootbark capsules, and after a weird night, I feel great for the first time in a year.

I found out rb is not something you do to get fucked up.  It's not Dmt or acid. It's subtle but intense and can be quite a mindfuck. When you come down, you are drained. Then you can sleep and when you wake up, it's like a brand new world.

The only bad thing is it causes ataxia and already having it, I had a nightmare of a time walking.  I want to learn as much as I can about it.

Anxiety....

I'm not sure why but my anxiety is through the roof.

I have been working hard to regain my independence.  I have been using my walker at home and still use my wheelchair on bad days and in public.  I want to upgrade to forearm crutches, next.

I know I wasn't expected to walk, and maybe I am too stubborn and stupid to accept my fate.  I can't even entertain the thought of being in the the prison of a wheelchair for the rest of my life.  I don't hate my life but I miss the freedom of my past.

I can't help but wonder in these moments what was I thinking?

Long hard out of hell.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!

I am very proud to announce...

A year clean!!!!!

It has been a very tempting year.  I didn't think I'd ever see it when I first decided to get clean.  It literally was one minute at a time occasionally.

I have had some amazing support, in this long hard journey... And I am very grateful for everyone that has not turned their back on me.

Sick...

Kris came home from his mom's...the day before he came home, he called and told me he was sick.  He mentioned that he felt dope sick without the gag factor.  I secretly wondered if he used and didn't tell me....

Yesterday, I didn't feel right...Today I feel dope sick without the gag factor.  Ugh....at least he didn't use....I am going back to laying down...