Time for a new addition to the family.

I am a proud Pitbul owner.  He is an all white pitty mix, with the nose markings of a red nosed pit.  His name is Wimbledon, and he is 2-3 years old.  In 2011, we adopted him from his foster mom though a shelter in Philly. They had a free adoption weekend, and timing was perfect.  It was the weekend before my daughters birthday, so he was her birthday present.  She loved him, and she still says he was the best birthday present.

Wimbledon is not the typical pitbul.  He had a horrible past.  He was found tied up in a tennis court in Philly, left as a bait dog.  He was found with horrible dog bites and starving.  I couldn't imagine how hopeless that would be.  When he was rescued he needed lots of medical attention and had a drain in his neck because infection set in.


When his foster mom posted that he was looking for his furr-ever home, I had told Kris that if no one wanted him, we could apply for him.  Sadly (but fortunately) no one even was remotely interested.  We went to meet him a few days later and we knew immediately...HE WAS THE ONE!


We have had him for over a year, and Kris has been wanting to get a friend for him, so we are on the search for an English Bulldog....The kind of dog Kris has wanted for as long as we've been together.  He wants one with an under bite and one of those faces that are so cute it's ugly.

Damn Heroin!

I rarely ever hop on my In The Rooms account anymore.  That site helped me when I first decided to quit heroin.  I hop on and check messages, but today I had the time to check on some of my friends.   Sadly two of them lost their battles with addiction. Kieth2Tired and Jesse.

When I first stopped I struggled with desires, and Keith talked me of the ledge a few times.  He was around my age, and the father to 3 young children.  I worry for those children.  Losing a parent is rough let alone when it was their own destructive behaviors.  I knew he was struggling, but last time we talked, he was leaving for rehab.....

He died shortly after the anniversary of his brother's overdose...

Damn.....

Then Jesse....sweet Jesse. He was  young, at least younger than me.  I figured he relapsed when he quit talking to me on the site.  It wasn't just him ignoring me, he never was on.  His brother died of an OD.  I keep thinking it was his twin, but I could be wrong.

As a mother to twin boys, my biggest fear is losing one of the twins.  Not because of my loss, but for the twin left behind.  My heart breaks for their moms.

Either way, FUCK heroin. Two great people that were just lost in addiction...GONE!  Two great people that will never know that life does get better....after you truly get clean.

Follow me...

Follow me on Twitter @tanyagross

I do follow back unless I think it is a fake account.

Also check out my Facebook accounts @

www.facebook.com/tanya.gross3
or
www.faceboook.com/SixDegreesAwayFromDeath

Also I have a Google+ account. Search for me under Tanya Gross-Whitekettle.

Just breathe....

Joey, Kris, and myself went to the school to pick the monsters up.   Layne and Tobyn ran out of the school like normal, both excited to tell us about their day, but Shannon wasn't with them.  The crossing guard informed us that Shannon was in the principals office and we were requested to speak with Miss Trevino and Miss Gingrich.

We knew it had to be bad.

We get in to the office, Shannon had been bad all day.  He ran out of the classroom, ran from one end of the school to the other three times, he pretended to shoot the teacher, and when he was asked to stop he did it again.  They had to restrain him.

She said she had to give him one day out of school suspension. I understand it, but he is in 1st grade!! 

But now I am wondering if my Autistic son needs medication. I was blind sided and before I was opposed to medicating but now I am that active mother at a complete loss....

I am so glad I am clean to deal with issues at hand...but damn this is more stressful than my sister having liver failure.

Hang in there...

My sister is in the ICU still.  She's in liver failure and no one knows why. 

I hated my sister for years, for things she did to me, my niece, and my nephew.  I hated her boyfriend.  I still do. He is the definition of a racist alcoholic white trash, and just looking at him makes me wish I still had my gun.  He looks like a hillbilly Hitler, and needs the asshole stick pulled out of his uptight ass.

Anyway, that wasn't the point of my blog.

After she wished death on me, I wished it on her.

I decided to see her at the hospital, and now I can't hate her.  I feel bad for her.   I don't want her to go like this if she does. 

She mentioned she might not make it, and I wish I could tell her to fight.  But when it's a life or death fight, YOU have to decide what you want to do.  I don't think telling someone to fight will change what they want to do.

I hope she decides to fight, she doesn't deserve to die like this.

9 Months Clean!

A very dear friend, the same woman that wrote my amazing book review, posted this on my Facebook wall.  It is a damn amazing feeling to know that I am being celebrated on another continent in another country. (UK)

I love my new life.

Death Comes in Three's

Earlier this month, you sweet disabled girl passed away.  It affected a couple of people I have met throughout the past year or so.  Her death was sad, but didn't really affect me.

RIP Tiffany Wonder.

The second death has blindsided me.   It was a man a never met, and he lived across the country.  He was a follow addict in recovery, and I was privileged enough to see some of his photography.  I had asked him if I was able to pick a photographer for Six Degrees Away From Death would he be willing to take my photograph.  His response was that he'd be honored.

Hell I was honored that he even said yes.  His photos showed hope in a hopeless situation, and I doubt anyone will ever capture it the same way.

RIP Chris Bava

The third death has yet to happen, but when I was getting out of the shower, my sister Lisa is being rushed to the hospital because she collapsed after months of being sick and not eating. So I will keep an ear open, but I can't help but wonder if she is number three.

Hmmm....

Warning, this may be offensive to some reader....It is sort of venting, with a hint of story telling.

I met this girl, and after a few meetings red flags popped up in my head, like a popper on a Thanksgiving Day Turkey.  She was "kicked out" of her aunts house while she was away for the weekend, while she was at my house, because she couldn't bring her kids along.

I am an asshole when I am trying to avoid a situation, and can't get away.  It took two days before I snapped.   I really tried to be nice...I don't think she is a bad girl, just she either likes being the victim or she's too stupid to use common sense...

Long story short, she ended up with what would be a 3 day visit ended up being 8 days.  Her kids went to stay with her mom, and today her mom showed up with custody papers.  The girl refused to sign them.  She moved in with her sister and had to have her dad and sister save her kids for her.

The girl is older than me, she admitted to me that she is an alcoholic and a few years ago she was addicted to Ativan.  I know addiction doesn't just stop.  Yes, I am clean, but I am still a heroin addict.  Everyday I have to make a conscience effort to NOT fall into the addiction trap.  But I am the asshole because I called her on her "addictions."  Then she said that she had a problem with them but stopped herself.

My ex-husband is interested in her, and after all the fucked up shit I put him through, I figured the addict thing should have been a HUGE red flag for him.  Then she tried playing that the word addict is misunderstood, and she wasn't an addict per say...

Just for future reference...DO NOT USE THE WORD ADDICTED IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MEANING!!  I can't figure out if she was trying to fit in with me, like being an addict is the key to a friendship  with me and my other.

Not to be a dick, but the word, Addiction, addict, or anything of the sort, IS NOT A WORD TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. I just wanted to scream, "You fucking idiot! People die every mother fucking day because of addiction.  You making light of something so serious shows how fucking simple you really are."

I love being in recovery, but I get offended when you can't grasp the direness of the situation.

And on top of the addict issue, everything that went wrong was not her fault.She couldn't own any of her shit she brought to the house.  I have learned to own my shit, it makes life a hell of a lot easier.

Maybe I'm intolerant of games when it comes to one of the things I am passionate about, but it's ignorance like that that keeps the word 'addict' taboo.

What makes a good mom?

I started making the Halloween costumes for the kids.  Tobyn wants to be a faery. I started making the wings, I have a shit ton to do yet.  Layne and Shannon want to be Kick Buttowski and Gunther.  I remember  one year that I had a homemade costume, because I was in the girl scouts, and they were in the parade.  I was a wolf. 

I remember being so proud of the cheesy costume, and wished my mom would do it something every year.  My mom (since she was biologically my grandmother) never really played with me.  I am not pointing fingers, just because my childhood wasn't perfect it wasn't completely my parents fault.  I truly believed they did the best they could.

I realized after having kids, that the ages 2-4 bug me.  I lacked patience.  I realized why I don't like that age group. I never was really a kid.  Yes I had moments like any kid, but I was expected to act 'maturely.'  That was most likely one of the main reasons why I felt like I never fit in.  Maybe that's why I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

As a kid I wanted to belong to something so bad.  Now, I am what I am, being different isn't bad.

I am working on letting the kids be kids. I want them to look back on their childhood and say, "My mommy was awesome."

I take complete responsibility  for being a bad mother when I was caught up, but HOPEFULLY they won't remember that.

The only thing I can do is be the best mother I can be, going off the idea of what makes a good mother.  My mom was good at being supportive, but she never really connected with me as a kid.

But what makes a good mother?

Random thing...

Today I seen a Monarch Butterfly. I snapped a bunch of up close pictures. I have never seen one in the wild that close. They are beautiful.

Ready to Start Over

I am ready to move on with my life.

It's funny, I can honestly say looking back, it was mostly hell, but there was some wonderful things I took from my love affair with heroin.

The saying is, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." If that  is true, then  yes, I am an emotionally strong person. After losing my father as a young child, abuse, rape, death of my mom, almost dying myself, and heroin addiction, according to the saying.  I don't feel strong.  I fight the moments when I feel like breaking. Survival mode really.

I wish I could own being strong.  I'd own it if I believed it myself.  I am my own worst enemy, I lack confidence.

BUT I LEARNED SOMETHING...

My distorted, twisted perception is my addiction.  I just have to tell myself to shut the hell up and admit that there is positive things about myself.

ALSO...

"You have nowhere to go but up (from the bottom)"

I have a newly refreshed view of life.  Fuck the 'victim' outlook on life. I, I, I made the choices in my life and I, I, I have to live with it.  My definition of bad is not my definition now.  I am not obsessing with the cycle, how am I getting money, How much am I going to get and how long will that last before the process starts over? Now the constant questions in my mind is "What are we making the monsters for dinner?"

I am not as impatient, and I cherish the "I love you's" and the little games and songs they come up with.... Life is good.

In my addiction, I took EVERYTHING for granted, and if I would have never really experience such selfishness, I'd most like still be taking life for granted.  Before my addiction, I did, maybe it took my shooting everything away to make me thankful for the little things.

It was thrown in my face today that I lost a lot of friends since I got addicted.   Obviously they weren't real friends.  Now that I am clean, I am focusing on being the best Mom I can be, the best person I can be, and focus on my writing and reaching my goal of motivational speaking.  I think I have enough on my plate to worry about nonsense drama.

I'm a new person and I am ready for a new beginning.

Loving Life.

Tomorrow will be 37 weeks clean.  HELL YEAH!!!!

Before I wrote Six Degrees Away From Death, I was stuck in this pathetic "feel sorry for myself, afraid of everything" mode.  When I wrote my first story, I doubted myself.  Why the hell would anyone be interested in my story?  I started writing in spite of my doubts. Maybe I wrote out of boredom... 

I remember the first couple of months of sobriety. I was going stir crazy and bored out of my mind.  Kris and I played Rummy and Scrabble a lot.  We read the just for today every morning, and it helped keep my head clear.  Looking at the big picture from the bottom is incredibly overwhelming.  Just for today helped escape the big picture temporarily. 

When you are wrapped up in your addiction, you don't notice how much of your life is consumed by this one item.  It's like a zombie hungry for brains... all you think about is that next one...for me it was dope (heroin)...the voice in my head would scream, "Dope, dope, dope..."

When you take that object of obsession and finally give it up, all of a sudden there is time for almost anything.  For me it was too much time, and Captain Addiction constantly was whispering, "You know you wanna get dope."

He and I had many conversations, and part of me wanted just 1 more, but the part of me that was dying to break the cycle didn't want to relapse.  At first it felt like the good and bad angel on my shoulders.  My will was barely there, and secretly I hoped for that one reason to relapse.  

Over time the good angel (my will) grew from a mousey cunt to a beast.  At this moment my urges are there from time to time but saying no doesn't feel like an ounce of my soul is being killed.  About once a day, I have to remind myself of what I really want.  I want to live life, be the best parent I can be.  Well for that matter, I want to be the best person I can be. Best mom, friend, lover, etc. 

Lately the kids have been telling me that I am the best mommy.  Kris has even complimented me lately, and it is more fulfilling than any two bag shot. 

I realized, Life is what you make it. Focus on the positives, and the negative isn't so consuming. You have to fight for something, anything if you want to stay clean.  You need to find something to redirect your mind from the boredom and Captain Addiction.  I chose to fight for my life back, and now I am loving the new life I have created for myself already.

The Monster's Elementary School Princpal

Most parents of this generation have someone at their child's school, that they butt head's with, whether it is a principal, teacher, coach, or whoever. I almost home schooled my kids because I hated school.  Socially I am "retarded" (don't take offense...)  and so having Autistic twin boys, I wasn't eager to throw them into the social "pool."

Last school year was the boys first year.  They were in half-day kindergarten. I was still in my heroin addiction, and a piece of shit as a parent.  Their teachers and principal were amazing, and I never knew if they new my dirty little secret. 

This year I'm clean.  My little princess started half day kindergarten, and in the beginning of the school year she kindly greeted Joey and I.

She asked how I am doing, and I told her about Six Degrees Away From Death, and explained that I am an addict in recovery, so things are going well. 

She congratulated me, and we went on with the day.

A little over a week later she asked ME about putting Tobyn in accelerated all day kindergarten.

Friday Tobyn was sent home early, since she was sick. Over the weekend, she spread the cold, and between the change of season, the cold he caught over the weekend, and his asthma, my Shannon Banana, is feeling like Hell. 


I kept him home Monday and Tuesday, just to make sure he was well enough.  It's nothing I haven't dealt with before, and if I felt like he should see a doctor, I'd find a ride to the doctor.

Two days ago, Ms. Trevino, called me and said that she knows that me getting a ride to his doctor is hard for me, so if I feel like he needs to go, and I don't have a ride, call  her at the school and she will help me find a way  to get us there.

I really appreciate it.

Ready to take on some more responsibility...

So I fucked our finances and we are filing for bankruptcy.  I know I did it almost single-handed and quickly.  My ex took over finances, and it now has become an issue.  When we were using I understood WHY shit was off....now there is NO reason utilities should be shut off.  Our habit is gone, but he is too lazy to even pay bills on time. 

I have discussed it with the other adults in the house, there is no reason why we can't afford as a whole to keep things afloat....I mentioned taking over finances.  It's time...hope this doesn't start another war.