Sometimes I Just Don't Know...

I thought I had the love of my life.  We went through hell and high water.  We have had a devistatingly ugly break up.  And I am sitting here picking about the illusion of our love.  My love was very real, but after many talks, he told me what I wanted to hear.  Strung me along. 

How the hell can I love someone, that never loved me the way I needed?  It's unreasonable to be resentful over some of his actions in his opinion.  He has told me to never bring up the fact that he was going to let me die.  Not once, not twice, but THREE times.

The first time I went into a severe alllegic reaction to doggie flea medicine. I begged him to call 911 and he didn't.  The second time, he left me for most of the morning unresponsive, by the time my ex husband forced him to take me to the hospital, i should have been dead, permanently fucked up, and this third time, my ex husband called 911, on the two year anniversary of waking from my coma, because i turned blue during an asthma attack.  I begged him to call and he refused.  I took 4 Albuterol nebulizer treatments, and he sat there, telling me don't panic.  As I was loaded into the ambulance, things were fading, i was scared, pretty sure i was dying.  The only thing i remember was him mouthing I love you.  But he didn't show until the day I was being sent home.  Four days, and when he showed he fought with me.

I don't like being alone, but it has to be better than that, right?

I've decided to put myself out there, if I find someone worth it.  I actually kind of am interested in getting to know someone, but I'm scared.  I haven't dated...crippled.  I don't know how to express myself, but not embarrass myself.  I just hope over time, i can muster up the balls, to put myself out there. 

Maybe after doing my first suspension in 17 days I will have the confidence, to say it.

But sometimes I just don't know.

Let's try this again.

My laptop is back up and running.  So I'm back. So much has changed, but I am 20 months clean. 

My monsters are in a new school year.  Shannon has a TSS and she has been a god send.  He's having a much better year. Layne has really taken to drawing, and his favorite class is creative writing.

Kris is not even an option. As much as it hurts,  I know i will be fine, eventually. I've survived worse right?

I am finally FINALLY getting a new chair!  This manual one is a purely crawl joke.  It's an eyesore, for real.  Like having a speech issue, and in a wheelchair isnt embarrassing as it is, I get to sport this piece of shit.

I dont know why it uploaded sideways, but broken arm rests, torn seat and back, wobbly wheels, loose handle grips make me not to want to go into public.

I'm not ashamed of who I have become, but i feel like a frumpy retarded cripple.  People talk down to you or get weird looks.....And they are not the same looks you get when you are loaded up on piercings or tattoos.

I have been living by the motto of fuck fear.  In one month, I am participating in a suspension hanging for me 31st birthday.

So many changes,  at the moment life has had some crappy moments, my friend Merle Hare, and my ex husbands grandma, Anna Gross, passed away in a week, so I feel like I am in limbo, waiting for the next death.  

That is all I am going to write about for now.