New Years, New Beginnings....

So last year 2012 meant Kris was in jail, and we planned on using once when he got out, then getting clean.  Now, it's coming up on the New Year, and he is not in jail, and we are clean.  I had really basic goals....and I reached them.  Get clean and figure out what I wanted to do with my life....

After a lot of thinking, I decided that I wanted to write about my story and become a motivational speaker.  I figured if I got myself together, Id be a better mother.  Well I became a better person all-round, and I am a decent mother now...

This year, I will get published, even if it is through Kindle, and I will work to be a motivational speaker...I will continue to be a better mom... Now I know what I want in life...

I don't know what to do.......

I admit that I was a piece of shit mother when I wrapped up in my heroin addiction.  I pretty much checked out of all my responsibilities...I started using regularly when life became two much.  My marriage was ending, my twins were recently diagnosed with autism, and on  top of that, my parents had several years of failing health and my mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer....I quit, I just wanted an escape so I could make it to tomorrow.  Tomorrow had to be better. 

Man, I was so wrong.  Heroin was a temporary relief....little did I realize I opened another can of worms, infested a new set of problems.....

I learned from my mistake, and as shitty my consequences were, or are, I was lucky.  I didn't die, and I am not in legal trouble, or any time in correctional institutions.  I don't regret my mistakes....somehow in my head, my heroin addiction was the best mistake I ever made....It woke me the hell up and taught to appreciate the little things....

Now here is where I am struggling....now I am the active parent I should have been years ago....and as of recently my eldest twin, Shannon, is getting into A LOT of trouble. Punching a kid at lunch, screaming at the teacher and aide, not to mention throwing things at them.  He also injures himself.  He has already been suspended.....

HE IS 7 YEARS OLD!!!

I have been trying to talk to him about his problems, but he's not retaining anything and is acting unbearable more often than not.  When I was a child, I didn't do anything nearly as bad, at least that young...I got my ass beat.  Hairbrushes and belts....I don't blame my parents for their so-called abuse...If talking wasn't an option or I mouthed off, My ass felt it....Made me think....

Talking isn't working, but I can't smack him like I was raised.....What the fuck am I supposed to do????

Tis the season!

Over the past few years, I hated the holidays.  I am a parent, I shouldn't dread them like I did.  Every addict knows ANY money goes to their addiction....I felt guilty. I felt like a huge piece of shit.  I knew better, but no matter what I couldn't stop. 

This years, even though I am on disability, I managed to afford bunk beds for them.  I know it's not toys like they want, but it is something they needed.  I didn't have to ask my ex (their father) to help pay for it...I DID IT!  Right now Kris is setting it up and I am giving it to them early. 

I am excited!

What if?

When something bad happens to me, I accept it for what it is.  Life goes on...you know all those cliche sayings that all seem to have an ounce of truth in them.  As shitty as things get, I always say, "Well tomorrow will be better."

Kris and I were having a discussion, and he said the night that I almost died, it was going to be one of us.  He said he thinks it was me because I could handle it.  He said if it was him, he'd be a mess.  Out of the two of us, he thinks I am the stronger one out us.

Everyone always says about how strong I am.  I don't consider myself strong.  Yes I am a survivor, but I don't think that takes strength.  I am just too stubborn to give up on myself.  I keep trucking....how can I not?  What good does sitting feeling sorry for yourself? Yes, the first year, when I was still using, I felt sorry for myself...and that bullshit year was the worst year of my life.

What if I handle things differently?  Would I still be here, using?

The saying is: Things happen for a reason. 

I can't take life for granted anymore, and I have to make my negative experiences, and make them positive ones....hell, if everyone would do that, or even just attempt to, the world would be a better place.