Note to myself...

Dear Tanya,

In 3 days it will be 3 years since you almost died. You know that you bury all of your emotions deep down and try so hard to be untouchable.

You need to let it out so it stops eating at you like a cancer. You didn't die for a reason. You don't believe the god has a plan bullshit, but there is something more for you.

You need to believe in yourself. You are something special. You will never be normal, and that is more than okay. You rock being unique. You know this!  You give yourself such a hard time. You let all the abuse be the truth.  "You are fat, stupid,ugly. You are a piece of shit mother, and will always be a worthless crippled junkie."  ITS ALL FUCKING BULLSHIT LIES!!!!

Stop letting negativity break you and hold you down.

You are a free spirit, a Phoenix in a sense. You came back from the unimaginable. Abuse, rape, addiction, fear, and death can't stop you.  WHY THE FUCK DO YOU BELIEVE YOU DESERVE SHIT? You fucking don't!

God damn it! If your story was someone else's, you'd cry for them. Fucking cry for yourself! It's not selfish.

You've made mistakes. That's human. You are not a calculated robot. Quit fucking punishing yourself! Forgive yourself already. Stop feeling guilty. You know what I'm talking about. Those things are NOT your fault. You were a child when it happened. Two fucking years old! His death was not your fault, same with hers. You really unselfishly made an impossible decision. Yes she died sooner than later but it was inevitable. You couldn't watch her with no dignity, suffering. You made the best decision you could in front of you. You couldn't save her, no one could.

I know it hurts, but stop beating yourself up seriously. You've suffered more than enough.

In 3 days you are suspending to celebrate life, closing this chapter for good. So love the defeated, broken little girl that has driven you this far. She's so exhausted. She needs put to rest. She can't handle life anymore.

Be the strong confident you struggle to be. KNOW AND BELIEVE you deserve to love and be loved. Keep striving to be amazing. You are pretty damn awesome, so for once believe it.

Yes the unknown is fucking scary, but really fuck fear. Where has it gotten you? Absolutely nowhere! You got this, go kill it.

Love,
Tanya