Loving Life.

Tomorrow will be 37 weeks clean.  HELL YEAH!!!!

Before I wrote Six Degrees Away From Death, I was stuck in this pathetic "feel sorry for myself, afraid of everything" mode.  When I wrote my first story, I doubted myself.  Why the hell would anyone be interested in my story?  I started writing in spite of my doubts. Maybe I wrote out of boredom... 

I remember the first couple of months of sobriety. I was going stir crazy and bored out of my mind.  Kris and I played Rummy and Scrabble a lot.  We read the just for today every morning, and it helped keep my head clear.  Looking at the big picture from the bottom is incredibly overwhelming.  Just for today helped escape the big picture temporarily. 

When you are wrapped up in your addiction, you don't notice how much of your life is consumed by this one item.  It's like a zombie hungry for brains... all you think about is that next one...for me it was dope (heroin)...the voice in my head would scream, "Dope, dope, dope..."

When you take that object of obsession and finally give it up, all of a sudden there is time for almost anything.  For me it was too much time, and Captain Addiction constantly was whispering, "You know you wanna get dope."

He and I had many conversations, and part of me wanted just 1 more, but the part of me that was dying to break the cycle didn't want to relapse.  At first it felt like the good and bad angel on my shoulders.  My will was barely there, and secretly I hoped for that one reason to relapse.  

Over time the good angel (my will) grew from a mousey cunt to a beast.  At this moment my urges are there from time to time but saying no doesn't feel like an ounce of my soul is being killed.  About once a day, I have to remind myself of what I really want.  I want to live life, be the best parent I can be.  Well for that matter, I want to be the best person I can be. Best mom, friend, lover, etc. 

Lately the kids have been telling me that I am the best mommy.  Kris has even complimented me lately, and it is more fulfilling than any two bag shot. 

I realized, Life is what you make it. Focus on the positives, and the negative isn't so consuming. You have to fight for something, anything if you want to stay clean.  You need to find something to redirect your mind from the boredom and Captain Addiction.  I chose to fight for my life back, and now I am loving the new life I have created for myself already.