Everyday is a struggle. The moments where things don't go right, the first thought is, "I could really do some heroin," or, "A hit of crack would be wonderful right now."
I have to live with those thought for the rest of me life. I don't believe in being "cured" of my addictions. And if you believe you are cured more power to you, or you are heavily diluted, and when relapse hits, you are blind-sided.
I don't live the NA way. I'm not saying anything bad about it, it just wasn't the long term answer for me. I give NA credit for helping a ton in the beginning. I couldn't do the 90 in 90. I worked Step 1, but I hit a wall at Step 2.
I have started giving advice to current addicts on how to get clean...and I have talked a couple people out of relapsing. I love helping people, especially ones that I understand.
If you'd put a bag of dope in front of me, I am pretty confident that I'd say no....but every time that has happened, it feels like a part of me dies when I say no. My heart hurts. Maybe that is the addict part of me slowly dying. At the end of the day, it feels good, and I am proud of myself but I am really tested and torn.
Getting clean is downright terrifying. When you are wrapped up, it's like you forget about life before addiction. So getting clean is reaching the unknown. How do you handle the moments of stress, when your only exit is no longer an option.
I am determined to help people from my experiences....it's my calling, and helping someone is better than any dope high I've ever had.
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