Why can't things be cut and dry?

I have worked hard to be a better person.  When I came home from the hospital, I was in a dark place.  My other dealt with me.  It wasn't easy for either of us, but sometimes I feel like he preferred me being miserable.  We are broken up and we have been for a few months, and since he ended it, I have dedicated myself on being a better person. 

Don't get me wrong, he is the love of my life.  Things have turned wrong and I honestly don't think it is me....I am not taking the victim role this time.  I hope he realizes what he is losing, by the way he keeps pushing me away.

I will be okay with or without him. I just need to remember in the end, MY LIFE and MY MONSTERS are the driving force in my recovery.  His bullshit won't compromise my sobriety...I just wish he could figure out what he wants to do and stop trying to drag me down to being miserable.

Six Degrees Away From Death

http://www.facebook.com/SixDegreesAwayFromDeath


That is my fan page for my debut book, Six Degrees Away from Death.

Six Degrees Away From Death is a fictional story based on real events. Mostly name changes and things like that were changed, but the story is based on my life, and not just after getting fucked up.

The main character's name is Kiko.  The story follows her through her addiction, but the question remains: Will she get clean from heroin? 

Like my page...For more updates, and the lessons I have learned in this recovery process.

I made it to 30!

Such a crazy week.   The weekend before my actual birthday, Kris and Darryl threw me/a surprise party. Then we had parent teacher conferences. Wednesday i started Thanksgiving inner and Darryl came over to spend the night, which is always an amazing time.

Darryl is this tiny high-energy ginger, always making everything fun.

At midnight, I watched the clock change, then before I went for a shower Kris gave me my birthday present.  Jack Skelington one-piece hoody/footie jammies. I  loved them!!!

After my shower we told Darryl he could sleep with us in bed.  We were giggling like 12 year old school girls.  My niece came home drunk and we invited her to our sleepover. Four adults in a queen sized canopy bed.  Kris woke up and Wimbledon, our pitbull, made it into the bed with the four of us.

Thanksgiving I made a feast, and celebrated my birthday. That evening Chey and I waited in line at HH Gregg.  I wanted the 7" Android they had on sell...and after an incredibly long wait, at the register I found out they handed me 2 8" tablets.  The manager gave them to me at the 7" price.  It was awesome!

Best birthday ever!

It's all about the little things...

It's not a secret that I took a lot in life for granted.  I didn't appreciate watching my monsters grow up. I didn't appreciate fresh air.  I didn't appreciate walking.

I did appreciate the rush from a wonderful two bag shot.  I even appreciated the two bag shot that I fell out on.  Sick isn't it? I overdosed, and Kris and our ride brought me back from not breathing and turning blue....I was fucked up like I never was before....and at the time I remember thinking, "That was awesome!"  What was I thinking?

January 21, 2012 is my clean date.  In a little over 9 months, I have had to learn to live again.  I am still learning.  I have left the victim thinking behind to hang out with Ms. Heroin.  I don't need that shit anymore.  MY actions caused ME to be in the place that I am.  Now that's not saying that I am saying that my bad behavior or actions were by any means alright. 

I feel like a grounded teenager again, but much wiser.  I have definitely a new appreciation for staying at home.  I don't even have a desire to go to the crack houses to see how my "friends" are.  I hate not having a car, but I like being home with the kids.

I am  learning to live again and the little things, like being outside while Wimbledon has a play date, hugs and kisses from the monsters, and even relaxing and playing video games make life worth it....It's all about the little things.

My birthday is coming....in 8 days.

I will turn 30 on Nov. 22.  I am not too sure if I am ready for this.  I remember being a kid thinking 30 was OLD...like kicking at a grave old.  I never thought I would make it to 30...hell I almost didn't.  My biological father died at 24.  I remember secretly fearing that age.  I almost died at 28, and I was amazed to reach 29. 

I never had real birthday parties growing up.  SO as an adult, birthdays were never a big deal. I know people that celebrate all week long, and I don't get it.  I am happy I will make it to 30, but not enough to party all week.

This will be the first year Kris is in my life that I am not worried about dope.  Now that I am excited about. 

Keeping a clear mind...

Everyday is a struggle.  The moments where things don't go right, the first thought is, "I could really do some heroin," or, "A hit of crack would be wonderful right now." 

I have to live with those thought for the rest of me life.  I don't believe in being "cured" of my addictions.  And if you believe you are cured more power to you, or you are heavily diluted, and when relapse hits, you are blind-sided. 

I don't live the NA way.  I'm not saying anything bad about it, it just wasn't the long term answer for me.  I give NA credit for helping a ton in the beginning.  I couldn't do the 90 in 90.   I worked Step 1, but I hit a wall at Step 2. 

I have started giving advice to current addicts on how to get clean...and I have talked a couple people out of relapsing.  I love helping people, especially ones that I understand. 

If you'd put a bag of dope in front of me, I am pretty confident that I'd say no....but every time that has happened, it feels like a part of me dies when I say no.  My heart hurts.  Maybe that is the addict part of me slowly dying.  At the end of the day, it feels good, and I am proud of myself but I am really tested and torn.

Getting clean is downright terrifying.  When you are wrapped up, it's like you forget about life before addiction.  So getting clean is reaching the unknown.  How do you handle the moments of stress, when your only exit is no longer an option.

I am determined to help people from my experiences....it's my calling, and helping someone is better than any dope high I've ever had.

So, I've been busy...

It's been a minute since I blogged the last time...


On November 2, 2012 my sister Lisa, died.  The doctors think it was cancer, but they could never get in enough to find out for sure. 

There has been a lot of drama in the house, but I have just been dealing with it.   It just hasn't given me a moment to write.

So with the latest series of three deaths, I was taken back to when I first almost died.  Before death was terrifying, the thought alone scared me.  Now, death is the easy part.  It's fighting for your life that is the hard part.  In that moment YOU have to decide to die or fight.  Yes, sometimes that fight is too much, and you die anyway...BUT you can die peacefully knowing you fought. 

Death is painful for the ones left behind.  But in the time I was in a coma, there was no pain.  The things I seen were amazing.  Sadly, for me to appreciate the life I had, I needed to almost lose everything. 

So my question to you is:

Is life worth fighting for and can you live like you will die tomorrow?  I think I am going to start a bucket list.