Bringing back the old school.

My kids are sick, so I have been putting on the classic movies like Honey I Shrunk the Kids..

They love them!! And it's the best feeling in the world to have them all hanging out with me.....Makes me not want to go back to the hell of addiction. 

It's sad, the guy that got me to use for the first time needs surgery for an abscess, and another friend of mine relapsed last night...

I asked the friend with the abscess if he was done, he said no.  The friend that relapsed said sobriety isn't bringing him anything that makes being clean worth it.  So he's gonna go back to dealing..He's 17....

It's bothering me.  Don't they know how to appreciate the little things?

What does it take?

So my husband and I are still legally married.  We still live together as roommates.  He's a good person, just not the right person for me. 

He put up with me in my addiction, and was as supportive as he could be when I almost died.  He was very quick to point the finger and brag that he was the 'good' parent.  He has a tendency to hold on to stuff, and his baggage is overwhelming. 

When I first decided to get clean with my boyfriend at the time, he had the attitude of I'll believe it when I see it.  I understand the skepticism. 

I think PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) affected my other and myself. A little over a month ago I starting to get back to myself, and have stepped up in general.  I wake up early, sit with  the kids for meals, do almost all the homework, bath time, bed time and story time.

For some reason, he barely did any of that.  They'd be late for school, homework assignments were missed, dinner was something easy or pizza, and they be served and he wouldn't eat with  them.  Yes, I know I should have stepped up a long time ago, but I can't change the past.

Children and youth were involve.  And that it probably one of the best things that could have happened.  We were ordered to take a parenting class. We are taking the class currently and I love it.  He complained that he felt like he took all the responsibility.  I admit that yes, I was not good, and I have been consistently have been improving.

As I improved, he's dropping the ball.  He admitted to the teacher, that he is waiting for me to relapse. That is what it is, but does he need to neglect the house and chores? How long do I let him go before I bring it up? 

I wish he'd just let go of me being a pos and focus on the kids...

Thankful.

Today we caught a glimpse of someone we used to cop with.  I jokingly said, "Wouldn't it be funny if they knocked on our door?"

Last time we seen them or heard about the couple, they were homeless, living in their SUV.  I just couldn't imagine being in a wheelchair living in my car.  They were still using and mentioned getting shit in Harrisburg.  The wheelchair bound girl was nodding off and couldn't hold a conversation. 

I am so glad that is not me anymore.  I love being coherent...and I love being in a bed.  It's the little things

Million Dollar Question...

WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT?
Hell WHAT MAKES A GOOD PERSON?

Just thinking.  I will respond with my answer later.

Best Moments in Life

Normally, the best moment in your life is something big...ex.: wedding or birth of your first child, etc.

I took life for granted.  I took too many things for granted.  In my active addiction, I lost myself.  I used to escape my so-called shitty life. I wanted to escape. 

Not only does the addict hurt themselves, but the ones that love them are affected too.  I hid my heroin use from my kids, but in trying to hide my dark secret, I neglected them.  It wasn't right, and now I have to live with that.  But I can't dwell. 

I have been working hard to be a good role model for them and be the best Tanya I can be.

This past weekend, I was playing with Layne.  Since I am in a wheelchair, my 'playing' is limited.   He was sitting on my lap while I was sitting on the futon.  I tickled him, and he was giggling and squealing like most 6 year old boys when they get attacked by the horrible 'tickle monster'.

Out of nowhere he stops.  He looks me in the eye, his big blue eyes bright, "I love you Mommy."  That is something he said to me a million times.

"I love you too buddy," I responded.

"I like hanging out with you now," he said in the most serious tone I have ever heard come from him.

"Yeah, I like hanging out too." I stated back.  I had to fight crying, just hearing that made me realize what I was missing out on.

Bottling shit up....

So I just realized Kris and I have two different approaches to life.  Kris, when something annoys him, he smiles through it.  No one knows something bothering him.  Then as his other (or whatever you want to call me) I can read his subtle signs, which usually when I ask what's wrong....the beast is unleashed...

I, however, can't hold shit in and just smile.  I'm not an asshole and make everyone unhappy when the tiniest thing bothers me, but I address the situation.  I grew up in a household that was verbally explosive.  If a member of my household growing up was pissed off, everyone knew it.  Abusive, hurtful things were always said out anger.

Some of the things I remember hearing were:
My mom was sick  of teenage rebellious behaviors, and she told me that she doubted that I was my father's child, because my birth mother was a 'slut.'
My sister would wished I'd get raped and murdered, because I was an 'asshole bitch'.

I try not be that harsh in my rage, but every once in a while, that horrible beast is woken.  I found though when I getting to that point, what I wish or say happens, usually happens.  An example of that (and not the only one) was when I was in high school, I told a girl to shoot herself because no one liked her when she picked a fight because "I stole her boyfriend."  She shot herself that night.

She made me learn to not run my mouth unless I mean it.

I wonder though, which way is better?  Bottle it up, and slowly destroy yourself, or offend or hurt the ones around?

Ideally a mixture would be best, but how do you figure out which battles to choose wisely?

I have been busy writing my sequel to Six Degrees Away From Death.  We have 5 kids here, and this is the first time I can remember where we had enough food, things for the monsters to do.  We have started eating dinner as a family and the kids don't have tv at bedtime.  I am loving the changes at home....I feel comfortable, even in my own fucked up skin.  I have to remember to not take the little things for granted.

I tossed Kris something, and my throwing has steadily improved.  He said about how good I am doing, and then he asked the million dollar question, How much better would I be if we would have quit shooting heroin much sooner?

Ya know, I never really thought about it.  I like to avoid the what if type questions.  I hated therapy, so after a couple of months, I quit.  I was still into dope at the time, and now I wonder if the addiction affected my outlook.

The thing I have to remind myself, don't dwell on the past.  Things are the way they are for a reason....Even if you don't believe in god.  The only thing I can do if work for a better future.

Not sure if it's a good thing...

I think it is.

The elementary school called today while I was in the shower.  So when we walked my youngest to the afternoon kindergarten, we stopped in the office to see if the secretary knew about the phone call.  She went to ask the school nurse and we hear, "Just the person I wanted to talk to."  It was the wonderful principal.  She is a sweetheart and I absolutely adore her.  Every time she says she needs the speak with me, it takes me back to being in trouble in high school.  Panic set in, but I hid it, secretly hoping my boys didn't do something again to get in trouble.

She explained that she Lower Allen is starting their accelerated kindergarten program, and she'd like to put Tobyn in it.  So starting Monday she is going to start going all day instead of a couple of hours in the afternoon.

I wasn't sure if it meant that she was slightly delayed (her brother's are and in special ed for part of the day) or she is advanced...a good friend said that is what they did with his daughter, and she is advanced.  There is a meeting Thursday for all the details...

Either way, I think it will be a good thing for her.

New outlook on life...

After I spent time in my coma, losing my ability to walk or speak properly, made me  fearful of life.   Afraid of being made fun of, failing if I attempted something and allowing myself to feel that disappointment, and the fear of falling, didn't allow me to leave my bed....unless I was shot up and feeling well....

After I quit using it still took sometime to get over the fear of life.  Life is scary when you are healthy and clear headed. let alone when you feel defenseless, weak, and feeble.  Kris tried so hard to pull me out of my fears...but I was stubborn.

I was terrified to try and express my fears, and I'd toy with different ideas...one was write a book....because my entire life I had been told I should write a book.  I posted that I was thinking about writing, and Aviva told me I should.

Since I was bored and sick of my stagnate life, it was time for a change.  I was so afraid of being ridiculed the only person I'd share any of my writing with was Aviva. Chapter by chapter she was eager to know what happened next.  It kept me motivated and I grew to not care if someone hated my writing.

Now that I have finished the first book, I am no longer Tanya Gross-Whitekettle, Junkie.  I am Tanya Gross-Whitekettle, Author.  With the junkie title replaced with another much more positive word, it has opened my eyes to the shell of life I lived in for two years.  Today I can proudly admit that being confined to a chair or not, my possibilities are limitless.  I just have to work hard for what I want....Disappointment is part of life. If there weren't down moments, how can you enjoy the upswing or the peak of life?

And so what if I fall (literally) because I can get up again....I have before, I'll live....I just can't forget that..

Step 1

I wrote this shortly before I decided to get clean.  I have posted it on other places....but it reminds me of how low I was not even 9 months ago.

Step 1

I have hated myself for a very long time. I hated who I was, and I thought that heroin was making me better…It wasn’t. The wonderful feeling and the satisfaction of destroying myself, made me hide my true self. I still am a broken little girl, and heroin felt like a long lost friend that made me feel complete. I realize that I will always have a sick love affair with her, but I need to say goodbye, because if I don’t she will kill me. She has come close a few times. I hoped she would. It was a completely twisted love affair.
You would think, being an intelligent girl, I would know better. I fell into her trap. Putting the needle in for a few hours of escape, only to be deathly ill in the end, looking back I hate it. I need to be done for myself, the kids, Kris, and Joey. There is more to life than heroin, and I am dying every single time I use. I should hate her, but I don’t, I love her and her controlling power. I am absolutely powerless to her, because I allow myself to be. I need to stand strong and fight the little voice in my head, her little whispers in my ear.
I have given her all that I had to give, and I simply can’t do it anymore. I need to admit to myself and others that, this love affair, the lies, and deceit are over. I really want my life back. Every day that I think of her and her warm embrace, I need to remember the cold heartlessness she would leave me in almost every night. Waking up and dreaming of that feeling never came close to the truth. I have destroyed myself, but I am not completely gone. I can say goodbye and mean it. I have to, if I don’t want to lose what matters most. I need to fix me, and I need to learn to say goodbye to the thing dragging me down.
Nine Inch Nails….You can have it all….my empire of dirt…that is how I feel. I need to take this crown of shit she has left me with, and throw it away. I need to say goodbye and mean it with every ounce of will I have left. I deserve a much more meaningful life, than chasing the rush she gives me. Our love affair is meaningless now, even though it meant the world to me at one point. I need to find something else to do rather than wait for her to grace me with her beautiful presents. At this point, she has become a haggard, evil witch and I viewed her as the loving, beautiful princess that could fix everything. I never realized that as she was giving me what I thought was the world, she was secretly buying my soul.
So in my first step, I give in to her power, but I won’t give in anymore. I have to turn my back on her and leave her for dead. It hurts me to leave something I loved so much, but I love life more. I need to reevaluate all aspects of my life, and figure out where she can try to creep back in. I need to close it off so she can’t. I can do this if I have the determination that had to meet up with her when I had nothing. The saying if there is a will there is a way. Even though right now the will is small, its there, and it will grow over time.

Finding myself.

So the love of my life went to his hometown for a few days....I am having trouble being happy about this.  Maybe I am being selfish, maybe it's the lack of trust sobriety has brought us.  He just was released from house arrest, and maybe I am being sensitive when I feel like he needs to get away from me...and me only....not just the feeling of being penned up for two months. 

The past couple weeks, I have started being the old me...before my torrid love affair with Ms. Heroin.  I have started being the mother I imagined myself to be.  Making sure the kids get ready for school, do their homework with them, etc.

I finally feel great about myself.  Over 7 months clean....and I am finally good with myself.  But maybe it was a little too late for it to have an affect on my relationship.  I have to stay strong, and I don't NEED a man to be okay, but having one around to laugh and enjoy life with make things better...

He keeps saying about how great I am doing...and that everything will be okay.  But what the hell does that mean?  I know I am improving, I honestly think I am more clearheaded now than I have ever been.

Writing Six Degrees Away From Death really reminded me of where I came from.  I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO THAT HELL...together or alone, my monsters and I deserve the best life I can give them...

So excited!

So things with Six Degrees Away From Death are going well.  My wonderful author friend, sent it to the publisher and she agreed to review it. And my author friend submitted it to a second publisher. 

So now I have to wait and the anticipation for an answer (good or bad) is driving nuts.  I feel like a child waiting for Christmas.