Tobyn

My baby turned 5 today!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!! The house (Kris, My ex, and myself) pitched in to get her a MP3 player.  She didn't know what it was but now she loves it.  We are filling it with songs she likes...and she LOVES Motown!!! So proud of her!! Good taste princess!!!

Beyond Excited!!!

My author friend heard back from the publisher and she agreed to read it, and so she forwarded the PDF to her.  She is hoping to speak with the publisher next week about Six Degrees Away From Death!!! SO excited, proud and nervous.

I was given a book review, even before I am published!!! It's an amazing feeling.  To know Six Degrees Away From Death was read by a woman I never met it the UK...   It's amazing.  Her name is Aviva, and she is beautiful and talented...

http://www.gravedigginunderthemancyway.blogspot.com/2012/08/tanya-gross-whitekettle-author-woman.html

Stressing....

So my boyfriend at the time (the love of my life) had a choice between jail and house arrest for 60 days....We wanted house arrest....he comes off in a little over a week....before his house arrest set in....he broke up with me....

The other day he says..."I still owe $700.."

WTF!?!?!

The paper work the district justice gave him said around 9 bucks a day...okay..
He showed me tonight, the company is charging his $25 a day!!!

I think that should be disclosed information.......when we were together I said I would take care of it (just like everything else.)  Now I am struggling with why the fuck I am paying for someone I am not spending my life with.....

Something I just can't Understand....

Why is addiction deemed so negative by society?

YES...addiction is destructive and deadly...it's a very negative thing.  In my experience, Every addict has an excuse of why they drink or use.  Something happened to break them.   I don't picture any addict saying, "My life is amazing, I'm on top of the world. Here hand me that syringe."  I'm not saying it isn't possible, but really not likely.

I know that MY heroin addiction, left me alone and filled with shame and self-hate.  Addiction is a disease...my head and heart would scream, "STOP!! JUST FUCKING STOP!"  But yet my soul was on a destructive auto-pilot mode.  No matter what I wanted, NOTHING was worth that feeling, that rush, when I was using.  

When I was using, no one pulled me aside to smack some sense into me....I wish they would have.  I realize it's not their responsibility to save me....especially from myself.  I NEEDED TO SAVE ME!!! (but in all honesty, it would have been nice.)

When I committed to not use anymore, I was ashamed to admit my mistake.  Maybe it was a mix of fear and self doubt. How could I tell someone I am clean when I don't know if the next day I'm not going to relapse...Just for today...RIGHT???  Admitting and owning up to the hell you dug yourself into, isn't easy by any means. 

If you give into your addiction, you let so many people down...but it feels like those people you will let down by using are waiting for you to fail...at least in my experience.

My dad was livid when  he found out, and for the next year after, he'd ask, "You high?"  Most of the time I'd lie.  Now that I'm clean, he still asks, "You high?"  

"No, Dad..." I feel like a rebellious teenager. My childhood was far from the best, and the one saying that has helped me is, The past is the past. I had to let go of my guilt and shame over the past IF I wanted a better future.

 If I had any self doubt in my commitment to stay clean, the tone of disgust in his voice would drive me straight to the beloved needle....after all...heroin protected me from myself, while it secretly killed me.  

Every addict knows that their addiction is deadly, but it doesn't matter.  

What I don't get is a using addict is a sick person, instead of shunning them, HELP them....don't discourage them by talking shit behind their back, or pestering them when they clearly are making the effort to be clean.  Beating a broken person won't help them if the are already broken......it will drive them into their drug of choice...

Taking Life For Granted...

I always heard saying like, "Stop and smell the roses." And, "It's the little things."

It took me almost dying to realize what those little sayings meant.  In life you have those OOOOHHHH!!! moments, and I remember sitting in Select and having that moment.  

Even before I selfishly became an addict, I was rushing through life, not appreciation the little things. In my addiction, I lost myself, and was incapable of appreciating anything especially the small things.  

Walking.  Watching My Kids Grow up. Friendships.  Ability to Drive. Smiling until my Cheeks Hurt.  Working on Cars.  Shooting My Guns.  Shopping without assistance.  Talking On the Phone. Jumping on our Trampoline. Going to the bathroom AND bathing at will.  Hiking In the Woods.

The list is endless.

In recovery, I have learned what those sayings mean, and have made an effort to use them in my daily life.

I am a better person for it.

What I would like to see come from Six Degrees Away From Death...

1. I'd LOVE to see it on bookshelves, and sold by Amazon.  My dad has no faith in me having any success.  I don't even think he believes that I could be an author, and he has called me writing a book a get rich quick scheme.  There is nothing quick about this process.  Yes, I wrote it relatively quickly, as I started in April and was finished the rough draft in June.  I spent countless hours and  nights awake until 5 am and awake by 8 am writing the entire time I was awake.  It'd be an amazing moment to have my dad go with me to our local book store and show him...

2.  Use my book to kick off my motivational speaking career.

3.  I have other ideas to do, that I would need funding for, and if i earn any money from the book I will invest in my other projects.

Owning a Pitbul

So almost a year ago my boyfriend and I adopted a pitbul.  We were loosely discussing getting a dog.  We knew we wanted a bigger dog, but we hadn't seriously discussed a breed or anything.  

He had a friend on FB that was a pitbul foster mommy, and her agency was having a free adoption weekend.  She posted pictures of an all white pit with tiny spots of tan, and a red nose.  He was too damn cute, especially since he wasn't cropped up.  Big floppy ears and a big long tail.  

We told his friend that if no one showed interest, we were.  No one wanted him, so we took a trip to her house to meet him.  He was very timid, and was leery of my wheelchair.  We both immediately fell in love with him.  We started the adoption process.  He came home with us that night.

He is covered in scars, and was left tied up in a tennis court in Philly.  Most likely he was a bait dog.  Because of his horrible past, he doesn't know how to play.  And if you throw something to try and teach him how to fetch he flinched and hides.  Instead he plays weird games, like starring down and blowing in his direction, his tail wags a million miles an hour and he smiles in between moments of barking and growling.  After his playing he loves up on us.  Occasionally, Kris will chase him around the yard, and he zip around and we joke that he looks like a little crack ball.

I wasn't much of a dog person, but he has turned me into a pitbul person. I am glad he has become a family member.

Oh and his name is Wimbledon Franklin Henry Oliver. And because of him I want to fight dog fighting and BSL (Breed specific Legislation.)  He is an amazing dog, protective of his family, gentle, sweet, and occasionally goofy....It bothers me that someone was heartless enough to try and ruin his wonderful spirit.

Why are sober relationships so difficult?

In my current relationship, I don't even know what to call it.  He broke up with me because he is miserable.  He is on house arrest in my home, and that saying you always hurt the one's you love, seems to be holding true.When he's happy, I remember why I fell in love.  But he's been swearing he is gonna move out for a while now, and it's become the whole I'll believe it when I see it.   I don't want him to leave, but I am past begging him to stay.  

When we both were using, our relationship was alright, but drugs hid us from ourselves, and that 2 years, neither of us grew.  Now, we are both clean but instead of taking life by the horns, he seems stuck.  I started my writing, and he has admitted that it sometimes bothers him.  He's also admitted that he's jealous, because his life long dream to be a signed dj, seems like a pipe dream.  

I have found myself having to hold my ground, when he is whining, "I want crack."  I say no, because I want to move forward in my life.  Yes smoking some crack would be fun, but I do not want to even go down that path.  

I was told at my first NA meeting, "Sobriety will bring your wildest dreams."  So far it has.  I don't think if I was clean, I would have never had the drive to finish what I started.

I think what makes sober relationships so hard is when one addict grows, and the other addict is stuck holding on to bad feeling and can't grow.

Out of my comfort zone..

I always swore I'd do anything once.  Afraid or Not.  I ended up reaching my first real dream when I was in high school, when the odds were stacked against me.

Then I fell in love, and my life and goals changed.  I ended up married at 20, and we purchased our first home, and starting a family.  I lived the picket white fence dream, but I was unhappy.  My wonderful husband and I grew apart.  I could have worked harder to fix our marriage, but I didn't.  I own up to the destruction of our marriage.  

I couldn't find anything to make me truly happy.  I escaped my responsible life, and here is where the I'll try anything once, comes in. I booted (shot up) heroin.  It made me happy, but I only realized in sobriety that it was a Fake happiness, but when I had enough it was too late. Stopping meant being dope sick.  

I am addicted to tattoos and body modifications. I'd love to do suspension hanging once in my life. A body modification turned my life upside down, and I almost died.  As a result, I can't walk on my own, and my speech is ruined.  

Before my life turned into a vicious cycle of addiction, I was obese.  I decided to lose 100 lbs. and less than 2 years after I committed to losing weight, I reached my goal. 

After my two month hospital stay, FEAR controlled every decision I made, and kept me in my boring comfort zone.  

When I finally said enough was enough, stopping my addiction was the first step out of my pathetic comfort zone.  In the early stages of sobriety, I attended NA.  With my speech issue, speaking was a HUGE fear.  I decided to share several times, and I realized the only issue with MY speech was ME.  In rooms filled of 20-60 other addicts, all of them listened intently, and quite often when I finished sharing, there was clapping and after the meetings several of my fellow addicts would approach me and give me words of encouragement.

I realized I don't need to be afraid.  I still deserve a good life, If you don't work for what you want, it won't just be handed to you, and if it is, you can't take the experience and add to your character.  Don't get me wrong, help is an amazing thing.

If it wasn't for the help from Wendy, the author of 'I work with Crabby Crabby People', my dream of being a published author would most likely be a million miles away.  It was scary to give someone I never met Six Degrees Away from Death so she could help me on my journey.  I AM SO THANKFUL I allowed myself to step out of my comfort zone, because now, I remembered how to chase my dreams again.

A little about me...

I am 29 years old.  I am legally married, but am separated from my husband. He's a wonderful man, just not the right "one" for me.   I am the proud mother of Autistic Identical Twin Boys and a beautiful little girl. 

At one of the lowest points in my life, I became a heroin addict.  After I almost died, I ended up having Ataxia and Dysarthria. I spent almost the entire year after I came home from the hospital in my active addiction.

I decided to get sober, and I learned that sober relationships are harder to maintain than a heroin addiction.  After getting clean from crack and heroin, I decided that wheelchair bound or not, I deserve to create new dreams.   

I decided to write a story Six Degrees Away From Death.  I am currently writing the sequel now and in the final phase of editing.  

I want to become a published author, and use my books as a stepping stone to become a motivational speaker to teens.  I feel in my heart, that if I can stop even one child from picking up for the first time, my mistakes will be worth it.

I am going to blog about the pathway to reaching my dreams, my life and sobriety, and occasionally vent.